I have nothing anymore

I can no longer cry
Im to week
It seems like my only friend is this little knife
Im slowly pulling away from everyone
Im just to scared whats next
My whole life no one wanted me
I got hurt so much
I got into this fight yesterday
I got lost in a flashback i couldnt get away from
I lost all control
I started hitting
Then i saw my dad bring the knife to my mommys throat
I could hear the yelling
I though if she died where would i be
Would he hurt me again
The i relized it happined 2 years ago
I feel bad i hit her
But my whole life i wasnt taught how to control it when im so upset
I hate my life
I just want a quick way out
I miss my dad
Even that hes so bad
I love him so much
Sad to say he taught me alot
That day he walked out
I couldnt cry
I still cant
I ran to my room cut and hoped to die
The pain hurts so much
I bang my head against the wall
I just want to forget!!!
I dont want to love him but i cant stop
The memories are tearing my life apart