They're laughing so loud at me.
`I didn't like the word "loud" -- it just sounds really....dull?
Your opening stanza is interesting, but I feel like you could've made it more ... catchy. Though, subtle works too ;) Because from reading, I feel like you're starting out calm, but stridently, to lead into more intense emotions.
The crooked little smile says that you don't mean it
but when I see you happy I automatically believe it.
`Ooh, here comes the catchy. I really liked these lines -- they're simple, but they say so much. And it's really easy to relate to; I'm sure plenty of people have experienced this. Simply seeing a fancied one smiling makes us blind.
I'm blind as a fool, and that's alright with me.
Cause baby there's nowhere else on earth that I'd rather be
`I think "that" should be taken out. But it still works while kept in there. I didn't quite enjoy these lines, because they're extremely overused -- I've heard them so many times before, and I just wish you'd tweak it a little to make it yours, y'know? But it fits with the piece so far, so it doesn't bother me that much.
Than here in your arms, uncomfortably placed
And there in your eyes is my beautiful mistake.
- I still love you.
`EE! I adore these lines! :) "Uncomfortably" is beautifully used. It gives a sort of ... irony to the piece. And that second line -- oh, man. The meaning runs deep: My translation is like, when you get lost in your lover's eyes ... and you end up walking the wrong path despite how smart you are. The single "-" seems too short and makes it look funny to me, but those words are extremely effective.
Whisper to me freedom, that binds me in your words
Lies that make my heart dance, the rest will go unheard.
`Irony (to me) in the first line -- freedom + binding. The contrast is awesome. The second line, I liked the concept, but didn't like how you worded it. It sounds kind of ... awkward.
Put your ear up to my chest and listen for your name
I'll lean in close to you and pretend to do the same
I can't hear it, let me hear it.
`-screams. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE iT! The emotion that's expressed within these three lines are so heartbreakingly beautiful! Holy smacks. Breathtaking.
I liked the repitition in the sixth stanza -- the words grow stronger than they were later on in the piece, and it's a very nice effect.
Your tainted under light
Raise your hand, I'll raise mine too
Mirror my strengths, I have so very few
Tear me down, one last time
Keep my soul, forever is fine.
Your tainted under light
Yet so beautifully right.
`Though I enjoyed the first two lines, because the meaning is so deep, I didn't like how you rhymed in the latter -- it just ruined it for me.
Ending the poem with repeated "I still love you"s was clever. They bring new potency to the words and was just beautiful.
The piece sort of turned into a song while reading it. I didn't quite like the "Cause I can't see,....etc"s until it came to the "hearing" ones. It just seemed unnecessary, even though I see what you're trying to get through.