You were the first person to
ever ask me out
and it made me feel great.
I thought you cared about me
I honestly believed you did.
You seemed like a decent guy,
the kind that i could introduce to my mom.
You were so charismatic and now i cant believe i fell for your sweet talks.
I wish I could of met you earlier
than a month or two before summer break.
Even though we are only two years apart,
you are going to be in college in the fall and I will be just a sophomore.
I wish i could have had more time to spend with you.
Even though everyone around me hates you.
And i technically should too
There is just something about you
that keeps me reeled in.
I don't know why i defend you
when people say your a jerk and that I'm way out of your league and always was.
But i cant help but to tell them how sweet and great you are.
I do wish however you could know just
how much pain you have caused me.
The emotional pain and
the physical you have influenced.
I wanted so badly to date you.
And i know i had a week to prove i was worth
your time.
In that week i did everything possible to convince you i was right for you.
Maybe i tried to hard.
Even though i don't regret it,
I know i should of never ditched school with you
and go to that field.
I shouldn't have become physical with you
but i though it would improve my chances.
I was lost for words the day after that happened.
When you told me i was great but not for you.
I didn't know what to feel.
I felt hurt and used but couldn't help to blame myself.
I was the one who agreed to it anyways.
Maybe you did use me
and never intended to date me.
But i really don't want to believe you would do that to me.
So I blame myself.
Maybe if i wasn't so obsessive and needy like you said i was
it would have worked.
I just messed everything up.
And ruined my chances.
It hurt so much that i needed to be distracted
from the pain.
So physical pain screamed to me as a way out.
I took the blades from my razor and made cut after cut
into my arm.
And watched the blood run down it.
I know that was stupid and
i know that you think so too.
You know the scars are because of you yet
you cant understand why
i did it.
I'm glad we stayed friends
though sometimes i question if
it is for the best.
Because every time i see you or laugh with you
all the pain comes flooding back.
Your all i think about and i long to be with you.
Yet i know i wont.
I know about your other crush
and it tears me apart.
One because I'm jealous and two
because you told me you didn't want a commitment
yet i know you would be with her in a heartbeat.
Maybe this whole thing was a lie and
i was a stupid little girl to fall for it.
I just wish you could know just how
much pain this has caused me.
I don't dare tell you though
because you act as if nothing happened
and i don't want to annoy you
by bringing it up.
I wish i could forget all of this and move on.
You didn't seem to have a problem doing that.
Yet i can't bring myself to get over you.
I know i need to because its not going to go
any farther than just friends.
I want to forget what happened in that field and yet i never want to lose that memory.
Even if my mind forgets, my arm will always be there to remind it.
I wish you could of given me a chance
but maybe it was for the best.
I just wish sometimes i could know what
could have been
and at the same time don't even care to know.......
