Edward Obsession

by mary   May 31, 2008


Your dad does medical exams
You make thunder and it says BAM!
Your black burning eyes
Make the night sky dry
“The lion falls in love with the lamb”

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Your dad does medical exams
    You make thunder and it says BAM!"

    How are these two lines relevant? You skip to one thing to another without giving any warning. The second line should be worded differently as it does not make sense. "BAM" does not need to be capitalized.

    "Your black burning eyes
    Make the night sky dry
    �The lion falls in love with the lamb� "

    Just delete those a thingys before and after that last line. I think you could expand a lot more on this, be more detailed. I didn't get anything out of it and the last line didn't fit in with the rest of the piece. Just the placing of it was off, place it elsewhere so it will make sense and flow with the rest of your words.
    3/5 from me, take care.

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