Kaylee
Yes it is worth finishing...you did great...it kept my interest...and drew me rtight into the story...feeling everything the girl was feeling...her pain became mine.
~clapping~
Love Cindy

Okay wow. I feel like I know this girl because you made her seem so real. The descriptions you had were amazing because I could picture the scene clearly and I felt captivated seeing the world through this lonely girls eyes. I loved that perspective. Everyones seen that girl in their class that sits in the corner and doesnt talk to anyone but now I feel as if I know that girl from reading this and my heart goes out to here. I love how you described her annoyance with the teacher and the simple scene of a kid throwing a paper ball at her with a rock was depicted beautifully. I am curious to see how this works out and what other characters you add because you truly have the gift of putting life into those you write about. Loved it, please continue and let me know when you add more to this story. Well done. *5/5*

"He was overweight, hardly looking as though he had moved an inch in his lifetime. His hair was matted, unwashed, clinging to his forehead and not wanting to release itself."
`Wonderful description. I could definatly picture this clearly. It gave us a clear insight as to what one of the characters looked like [the art teacher]. Well written.

"His breathe is hotter than the sandiest desert."
`First off, I love how you described this. It was awesome. Great comparison. Secondly, breathe should be breath.

Wow. Overall, this was a wonderful short story. I usually don't read stories.. but I'm glad I read this. You described not only the main character very descriptively but also the others in the story. You described everything so well that I could picture every little thing as I read the story. I could totally feel as a reader how this girl was feeling. You could tell she was kind of anti-social and was not very well treated by much of anyone. I love how you spoke from the girl's perspective.. it made the poem very interesting. You ended this story as though there wasn't much else to say.. so I guess it would be up to you whether there would be a squeal or not. I think that you could go on and write another story [a squeal of this one] and maybe write about what her home life is like? Just an idea. Although, I'm pretty sure her home life isn't much different. You ended it wonderfully though, like there wasn't a squeal to this story.. although you probably could make one if you wanted to, about her home life or maybe just another day at school, I don't know. Entirely up to you. I enjoyed this piece though. It was a very interesting story to read and I thought you wrote it with great description and awesome imagery.

5/5.

You could continue to go on with something like this for years. You have an incredible ability to make a character appear so detailed and descriptive in a story with a scenario that a plethora of people can relate to. That is something that you excel in (you already are brilliant at it.) and work on, learn from, and perfect within time. I've always wanted to do something like short stories but I never thought it was easy to find themes. I'm glad that I read this though because I think somewhere along the road this will help me with my thinking someday.

The idea that you picked allowed you to write it very well with detailed thoughts that kept me appealed with the story all the way until the end.

That's why I mean when I say you could go on doing these types of short stories for years...

Excellent work.

You should definetly continue this. The whole poem was so captivating, I could not take my eyes off of it. I could see this whole scene going on in my head, because you made it so descriptive. I loved how you described her feelings, and how you wrote about the art teacher and the other kids. You really drew me into this and this was probably one of the best stories I have read on here in a very long time. I think you are really good at writing stories and would be good at writing novels. Just a thought, cause you put so much in this story, emotions, descriptions, imagery, it was truly breathtaking! You have great potential and this whole story, every line, had me wanting more and more. So great work, keep it up! 5/5 from me.

That was a great short story. I love the how your descriptions seemed to bring the story to life, how it seemed like I was actually the girl you were talking about, you know her emotions and exactly the way she feels. The plot was.. common, yet unique. Unique, because it's about not wanting people to see her. She wants to be isolated, when most people crave attention. It's common and relatable, though, because it's about a teenager [I'm assuming] struggling with problems.

You were able to make everything flow pretty well. When I've tried writing stories, that's been the hardest part for me. Making it read smoothely and not having any awkward pauses. I seriously think you could have a future in writing books. I know there's a lot of people who would enjoy this, and it's only a short story. I hope you continue this.. maybe turn it into something more that a short story? I'd definitely read it.

I had interest in finding the nearest chair that was mostly hidden in shadows from the poor light circulation. My shelter.

It didn't exist.
`` I know I've felt like this at times, when you just want a sanctuary to retreat to, but there isn't one anywhere in the world. You're exposed to everyone's prying eyes.

The wooden table farthest from the door greets me like an unwanted host family and I am its' foreign guest.
`` I think this is a great simile for describing how that unwelcoming table makes her feel.

There were a few things that bugged me while I was reading this, nothing too horrible, though. :]

He's still waiting for the inspiration to zap him. I want to hit him.
`` I don't like how you ended both of those sentences one after another with the same word. I know it's picky, but it bugs me. >< Maybe add something after the word "him" in the first sentence. Um, maybe somethng like "He's still waiting for the inspiration to zap him like lightning." Just a suggestion, though. :]

Another boy with dark hair wearing a gray shirt smirks at me. He makes one of those rude hand gestures at me.
`` Same thing with this one. You could just take the "at me" out in the second sentence though. I'm probably just being weird and am the only one who is bugged by that. Haha. So, don't listen to me if you think it's fine.

Well, seriously, that's all that I didn't like about this. It was very interesting and held my attention the whole time, never once did my mind wander. It's difficult to do that with long stories/poems, too. So amazing job!

Keep writing!
Cayce

P.S. If you do write a second part to this, message me! :]

Wow. This is simply stunning. I don't wnat to seem like I'm sugarcoating it, but this is really stunning. I'm going to pick out a few parts to critique, since most of it is well, perfect.

"He was my art teacher and I had no interest in it."
You had no interest in the art teacher or the class? Try to elaborate, I felt a little lost here.

"It didn't exist."
Try changing that to "That shelter? It didn't exist." Reinforcing what you ended the last stanza with is usually a good choice.

"The basketball pole "
Do you mean he was tall, thin, and looked like a pole? If you did, this was a great metaphor, but I would consider expanding your description of this boy.

"rooms' single trashcan "
Move your apostrophe to "room's" since you are only discussing one room.

"on my way to find a chair far from Mr. Basketball Pole."
Try perhaps, "on my way to find a chair far, far away..." The rest of this story has immense detail, you should keep it consisten with this line too.

"The wooden table farthest from the door greets me like an unwanted host family and I am its' foreign guest. I know we'd never be able to fully communicate."
Its' should be it's, as you are only talking about one "it." Nice simile, but in the last line try, "I know we'll never be able to fully communicate." The rest of the story is in present tense, and you definitely want to keep it consistent.

"She pulls it away from my direction as though I had infected the area around her. "
"From my direction" just doesn't sound quite right to me. maybe it's just me, but I would try to change the "direction" part.

"The girl who moved her drawing works furiously, sending bits of eraser near my fingertips lying on the table."
This sentence seems out of place for your paragraph. Try moving it or eliminating it completely.

"His breathe is hotter than the sandiest desert. My heart sinks. "
This part confuses me a bit. Usually when someone's breath is hot, it means it smells bad. And yet your heart sinks at the feel of this smelly-mouthed boy... Try a different adjective or metaphor.

"I've tainted myself. "
Just wanted to say that I love this line. =]

"The people around me watch. They don't stare straight out at me, but I sense their eyes glancing out of their corners."
I like this line a lot as well. Often times, we have that feeling of people watching us. Nice representation.

I feel that this could have ended better. You suddenly change the setting and idea. Perhaps make this a different paragraph and expand it or change it altogether.

Overall, very nice write. You're definitely talented. keep up the good work. =]

~ash aka romancing

I just wrote you a really long comment but it didn't work so i lost it haha, sorry.

but wow, this was such a POWERFUL peice. the feelings were so strong that i felt i was in the place of this child, i coul feel the resentment and the frustration, i could feel the hurt and i could see what was going on. this story made me really sad to know that this actually goes on in the world everyday.. the vocabulary you used was excellent and really helped in letting us see what was happening. overall, just a great peice, let me know when the next part is out ;P
5/5

Wow. My eyes were fixed on the computer screen until I finished this story. I definitely think you should continue it.

"I bend down and pick up the piece of offending paper. Unfolding it I found what made the hit hilarious to him. A small rock lay in its center. I toss it into the rooms' single trashcan on my way to find a chair far from Mr. Basketball Pole."

^^ I feel like there should be a comma after "Unfolding it". Maybe it's the way I am reading it, but I feel as though one should be there.

"The wooden table farthest from the door greets me like an unwanted host family and I am its' foreign guest. I know we'd never be able to fully communicate."

^^ I think "its'" should be "it's".

"It's the first thing somebody has said to me all morning. I forget about the pencils and instead lean my arm across the table and rest my head on it. My art teacher has not attempted to press the paintbrush tip to the canvas. He's still waiting for the inspiration to zap him. I want to hit him."

^^ I liked this, because through all of the seriousness of the piece, the "I want to hit him." made me laugh. I thought it worked very well.

Overall; I really liked this story. Normally, I don't read stories, just because they're not my thing, but I thought this was very good. You did a wonderful job with this part, and I feel as though the continuation will only be better. Great job. 5/5

``Briana

I ennjoyed reading this, the topic your picked. WOW! You could really go on writing this forever. I've seen nothing majorly wrong with it at all. Although the minors i did find were summoned up by this girly right here ^^. This story was very powerful. I felt as if i was there, I could feel the pain and hate through this piece.My eyes were fixed on this story. I'm hoping i'll see the continued version soon.

5/5

I have broken my rule as usually I read 3 poems and comment on the one I think deserves the hight score. A poem story not unique but entertaining as it kept my interest when I thought perhaps it would not. I wonder no I know that short stories like this poem of yours can attract many magazines for punlication do you write articles as well as poetry? As if they are of this standard it may pay to pursue that side but keep up the story poetry as I like the many other commentors enjoyed it a lot 5/5

Amazing depiction from an analytical point of view. you brought the characters to life and i could envision all their tiny actions in my head. this story left me wanting more. i found no flaw. not only are you an exceptional poet but a great storyteller as well. please finish lol i can't wait to see how this one ends. another brilliant piece. 5/5 :)