It seems that you’ve really put your heart into this; the emotion is easily relatable, which helped me as a reader to empathise. “Then our game wore down and I could see your interests fading, who was I to think that I could tame a wandering mind?” this sentence really connected with me, I’ve had the same experience with a former significant other. The form, I believe, is suitable, because it is a poetic story rather than a story in a poem, which is something familiar to me, so I have no problem with it. 5/5 xx

Thanks for the comment, now on to your poem.

"Together we held hands and ran from the sun threatening to break the horizon;
we wanted to have the colour and hope of dawn with is forever."
I love how you started it. I got the picture right after i read this stanza.

"I told you that some of us are born with cement hearts,
Not from the city not from the streets; I'm weighed down on you,
We were never one to win, but our arrogance made up for it.
Nothing really mattered except the stars in each other's hands."
This stanza reminds me of a song by BoyslikeGirls. ahha, but its still very touching.

"So in the morning twilight I turned to you expectantly,
Yet thinking back I don't think you ever completely understood.
I was asking you to keep this moment with me forever,
You smiled, grabbing my hand we ran, we flew, we soared."
This one i had to read a couple times in order to see the real picture. but once i did, it wwasnt bad.

"Then our game wore down and I could see your interests fading,
Who was I to think that I could tame a wandering mind?
So with all the courage I had inside: I stopped.
We blew a kiss to perfection and (seemingly) inevitably, we surrendered to the day."
This i never really did get.

Overall, I like the poem, but i dont know, is it meant to be more of a story? But since they dont have 4.5 in rate, im going to give you a 5. just because it was good, other than the last stanza. Oh, and it has a very good picture to it. its sincere.

Good Job!
Dollface.

I enjoyed the stanza line up, it was different, but I didn't feel much emotion, and it felt forced towards the end. Still a great write. 4/5

Sincerely,
Elizabeth

I'm not sure the take on this that everyone else got, but it surely moved me, i liked the flow and the structure, the last stanza was a little awkward, but to me anyway the final line made up for it and wrapped the piece up nicely, i felt the drama within this and like i said it moved me, which is what i look for in a good read, great job!, my only complaint, is the unnecessary note at the bottom, stand behind your work, you don't need to explain anything to anyone...but hey thats just me..
john

Hmm.I think since ur not happy with the form, you can revise the first two lines or maybe put them into 4 lines, and then I guess it would look ok.

This is the best poem among some of your poems that ive read. This is written with depth and with a deeper meaning too. I liked how you put the numb heart to cement heart. Very good I liked it. Also, We were never one to win, but our arrogance made up for it, I liked this line a lot. I was touched by this. Probably coz I read it that way like, even if I knew we are not going to last or not meant to last, still I followed my heart and allow myself to get hurt. Very touching indeed.The third stanza as well was good. It was portraying a happy go lucky guy or a free spirited guy who ignores anything serious while a young girl trying to explain how she feels was being ignored.Very nice ending although it was sad. Good job..5.5

The story behind it is very well expressed. the emotion of love and then having that end...wishing you could hold on to it, but at the same time undersatnding and accepting that somethings are not ment to be...no matter how much we want them to..
love the detail you put into your poems..and the flow could be alittle better, but to me the story you tell with your words is what matteras the most.
keep it up!

**Ada**
*aBSwaBHiaPL*