My forever endless riot

by rebeccasarah   Dec 3, 2008


You're hand in mine, it moves to my waist.
next thing i know, we're face to face.
your tongue presses mine, theres not a soul to witness.
the magical sensation as the sparks fly between us.
you're eyes are sparkling, what a golden treasure,
you kiss me passionately, my guilty pleasure.
we break away, from our strong embrace.
i must now remember that oh-so-sweet taste.
you stare into my eyes and whisper my favorite secret,
"i love you," i hear, "and please dont disbelieve it."
i can feel you mean it, by the intensity of your stare.
awaiting my response, as i try to catch some air.
my cheeks burn with excitement, turning redder as we wait,
then i smile up at your glowing face. The night is running late.
I whisper back his words, tender and quiet.
He makes my heart burst, like a forever-endless riot.

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  • 16 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    Your tongue presses mine, theres not a soul to witness.
    the magical sensation as the sparks fly between us.
    ^^ Not liking the rhyme here love .

    i must now remember that oh-so-sweet taste.
    ^^ This doesn't flow so well with the line above . Try a syllable count .

    then i smile up at your glowing face. The night is running late.
    ^^ This throws off the flow too .

    Over all , really good . I like the idea . But , just those few suggestions for some fixer-upping ;) .

  • 16 years ago

    by Paiger

    Wow, so amazing. The flow was flawless and I love your use of interesting phrases like :

    "my cheeks burn with excitement, turning redder as we wait,"
    ^haha, I can soooo relate! almost everything makes me cheeks go red, and I can always feel it, like "crap, my cheeks are geting redder", lol

    "you're eyes are sparkling, what a golden treasure,"
    ^I can just picture it, I used a metaphor kinda liek this in m poem, I think it was a light in his eye, maybe a gleam, lol. I love seeing people feel the same emotion but find different ways to express them.

    I think you finished and started very strong, and kept the middle very strong too, but made sure the end and beginning were slightly bolder, which is hard to do when you have such a great opening and end, to keep the middle just as strong, and not have it fade away. Amazing!

    5/5 +++++

  • 16 years ago

    by Brittany

    Your writing is SO good! It's clear that you have some serious natural talent going on, and the title and everything else is just perfect. Love the rythym, love EVERYTHING about this poem! 5/5 DEFINITELY!

  • 17 years ago

    by ForsakenBeautyXx

    Wow. i love this poem. its beautiful. and catches me. i just want to hear more. and everyone can connect with it. nice wording :]]

  • 17 years ago

    by ForsakenBeautyXx

    Wow. i love this poem. its beautiful. and catches me. i just want to hear more. and everyone can connect with it. nice wording :]]

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