Tracing Lines (Collaboration with TJ Becker)

Amazing write by the both of you, like everyone else has been saying.. you really cant tell who wrote one, and in a collab it should really be that way, it shouldnt be a given. It was neat to see two different minds and two unique poets write this piece.

Well done.
5/5.

Skye,

A collaboration. I have tried a few of these and I realise how difficult they can be, but also how rewarding too. Working with another writer challenges the way you write a poem and instead of selfishly writing it how you like, you have to compromise with another. So, without any further ado, I will comment on this your collaboration with Skye.

Tracing Lines
^
Interesting title. It makes me visualise a child tracing over a picture/ words that have already quite perfectly been penned by another. If this is not a child, then it is an adult who maybe lacks maturity, requiring constant reassurance and confirmation that they are okay. Quite a title eh?

Stanza 1:
From the start a request, a need perhaps to fill a void? It is worded well, the word 'enchant' suggest magic and mysterious power, again maybe a secret yearning for a power that this person does not have?
'Bind me with your eyes' powerful imagery here. Eyes are known to be windows to a person's soul, so suggesting a look would bind another is powerful indeed. The word 'bind' is forceful, kind of confirms to me that this power is unequal.
The third line here is too long, too many syllables. Maybe you could use this: Direct my will in the midst?
The last line, two words, passion and lies. It seems there are two roles established here, Passion = good and Lies = bad, lets see how this pans out through the poem..

Stanza 2:
Intimacy and passion straight off, raunchy too! Blood flowing to places, well the blood is around my cheeks now! lol
Bang! Like a slap in the face my cheeks redden with shock now! A knife mixed with passion, well this is no longer be defined as caring and intimate love. I imagine 'Lies' has chosen to show their true cards and pounce on 'Passion' This was a good shock, as I believe that it is good to evoke a response and it certainly did for me, so I for one like this part. A suggestions though if I may? Instead of the words, 'then with your knife..' how about 'then with my knife..?' I believe that this brings for a greater shock and doesn't lead the reader into unnecessary confusion. Otherwise the role of 'Passion + good' must be bad too and must have known that 'Lies = bad' had the knife all along and so resulting in 'Lies and Passion both = bad' Confused? I was a little. I could prove as I continue that you are right, but I will see..

*Okay..I am wrong, however The 3rd line is too long and maybe could be more dramatic, like: 'Slash! Your knife traces my neck,'*

Stanza 3:
A bleeding throat caused by a knife is a very vivid image, but I also see this as a metaphor too. Allowing another to become so close to you, allowing them access, free reign over a heart is potentially fatal, especially when there is prior knowledge/ experience of there 'Lies' I see this knife against a vulnerable throat as the danger of being in love with a person who has already broken your heart. Just like tracing over lines, over a story that has already been written, we know whodunit, but the story is so compelling that we have to read it.

Stanza 4:
I see this poem so clearly now! :O)
Tourniquet of love will stop the flow, right?
Wrong! It is a good metaphor, but that is all. As the reader I can see that the power is all one sided and so this tourniquet will only stave off certain death for the time being. I can feel the desperation and the blind hope that love, or at least the lying words spoken will make it alright. It makes me feel so sad, but I must read on..
The meter is off and so it comes across to me as scruffy, and so it disturbs the flow for me. Excuse the pun!

Stanza 5:
Love conquers all? Well, I can see that it does in this verse. I would have liked to seen the weak fall and for the blood to spill quite literally, a lesson if you like that a relationship built on lies is doomed from the start and as a result the weak will fall.
With that said, this is an all-together better verse, it flows better and it has a loving quality to it that is sincere...just not in keeping with the vivid blood references. Just my opinion though! Bringing in the word 'Tracing' is a nice reinforcement of the title and so brings it together somewhat after the change in tempo.

Stanza 6:
A happy ending, though a disappointing one for me at least. Again this final verse is tidy and sentimental. You could replace the word' melts' with 'merges' this adds a syllable and makes it flow better, also a subtle change in the word 'shade' to 'blade' might link a previous reference to knife in nicely? One last suggestion, instead of using the word 'loving' you could use 'game', this would, in my opinion add mystery and inject a little darkness and suggestion that all is not in fact well?

Summary:
I felt that this poem started off really well. It had lots of potential for a fabulous dark write, using deep rich metaphors. To a point it has succeeded, but as I said it could have been darker and ultimately more tragic. The stanzas were not uniformed in their meter and the rhyme came across as forced in places. Having said this, writing with another is a challenge, so with all things considered, you have both done well and my suggestions are only a third person into an already complicated mix.

Take care both of you and well done.

Michael

Well, that is quite an impressive poem you two have made:)
I honestly couldn't tell who wrote what, so good job on this.
Good luck on the contest!

Hugs,

5/5 Ingrid