I will begin by saying that many poets myself included write quatrains as if we are filling in a coloring book that someone has skeched out for us and dare us to collor outside the lines. I must say it is refreshing to read original formating that is bold and free with the rhythm rhyme and flow boldly expressing eloiquently the deepest feelings that can be shared
You did a spectacular job! The raw emotion showed in this poem is only matched by the wonderful flow which sweeps you along for a awesomely morbid journey. You are now one of my favorite authors Rolo! I hope to see more great word from you!
This is absolutely fantastic . I have absolutely nothing you can change about it , I love it . Amazing flow , and I really enjoyed how you detached the last parts from their stanza's . It's unique and makes a huge statement . You're rhyming is also flawless ; you're an amazing poet . 5/5 for it , I really can't stress how good it is .
Wow, I loved that. That's a very creative way of structuring a poem which is by far my favorite part. It made the poem interesting to read and I felt compelled towards it because of the emphasis it gave for the one-lined stanzas. Beautiful write, I felt the emotion and tension. Excellent job of reaching out to the reader.
"You keep me from sane."
My only suggestion would be to change this to "You keep me insane." I think it would flow better, something about that line feels a bit awkward
The past returns to haunt us all. But for some its a constant shadow that wounds everyday. Many don't believe in evil so profound and sharp that it takes a lifetime to heal...if at all. This sad piece is a window into the soul of one such horror. Easily read and taken in, but it holds a deeper meaning just behind it's words. Life would seem to be a book in this, with the pages too dark to see the light ripped out and burned. But not forgotten......
This is truly one of the best poems I've ever read. [And trust me, I've read ALOT of poems] lol The flow was so perfect, it blew my mind. From the first line, I was hooked to the poem; I couldn't stop reading. It actually made me sad that the poem was over after I read the last line! You portray your emotions clearly, and your word choice is excellent :]:] 5/5
Coming across this wounderfully written piece has me thankful. you have worked miricles with this poem by captivating your feelings and enveloping them in perfect discription. really enjoyable read. 5*
10 years ago
by Cyber Saiyan
Wow; what an AWESOME poem.
I loved it from the first line to the last word.
You had great word choice to paint a very vivid picture in the readers mind. I loved the words like STAGNATE, REIGN, DISTURBINGLY, MURDERED AND BURNED. These are words that cannot be misinterpreted by readers and add a TON of power to the writing.
I also liked the flow of the poem. Each line had almost the exact number of syllables and the pentameter carried well. Carrying on along the I LIKED THAT path, I enjoyed the one liners after the second, third, and last stanzas. It helped to seperate the line from the stanzas, but it carried over from the previous stanza well.
The only thing that I would really change is the word SHADOWS in the forth stanza. I thought it sounded better as "I searched the shadowed remains of my soul".
Overall, a great poem. I have added it (and you) to my favorites list.
10 years ago
by The Prince
In terms of form, this is very confusing. Although words speak more than graphology, so:
'Stagnate in motion, bound by your hate
These words flow freely, yet carry no weight
A million times over, your reign won't end
You've long since left, or so I pretend '
I admire the flow you created here, the second line was particularly strong. The use of the word 'reign' made me think of tyranny, and we've established an atagonist here.
'Talking with no one, a seed from my past
Planted and growing disturbingly fast
I deprive its efforts with all of my own
You're the devil that lurks--
You keep me insane.'
I now humbly apologise, as now I see why you did the form like this. I think it's excellent how you kept the flow yet jolted it visually with that line that stands out. Very impressive. I like it, it's almost like an afterthought.
'I will you away with my cruise-controlled mind
There's a place in my heart which you've been assigned
The part that allows for my dosage of pain
You're the voice that kills--
You keep me insane.'
I read thast last bit like a whisper, the stanza above seems like a declaration, the effect of adding that other line is that it drops down a bit, but still keeps the flow, and is more entertaining than your standard 4 line stanza poems. I just wish you'd have spaced them out a bit, because now there's three 4 line stanzas in a row and there's no continuity.
'I searched the shadows for remains of my soul
In a landfill of guilt, I found it whole
You murdered the child who once lived in me
All that's left is some tattered debris'
I feel that 'tattered' could be replaced with a better adjective or pre-modifier. Even scattered might do the job, because the connotations are of garbage, and it's a strong image to create.
'Victim, survivor; none of the above
A hollowed shell, not worthy of love
Immersed in pity, and walled by doubt
Emotional thirst is plagued with drought'
If you could have played with this stanza visually. With the 'none of the above' thing, that'd have been nice, but you might sacrifice something else doing that. I loved the last two lines, very striking.
'My story is written as the pages are burned
Details ash for they need not be learned
I live with fear and protective distance
You harm my existence.'
I was impressed with this piece, I have always noticed you but never read anything by you. I shall endeavour to read more. I just saw your request on the discussion board and thought I'd have a look.
Simply stunning. You truly have an infinite talent as you write so that every word has meaning. The structure is not that of a typical poem but you have a talent in making it work. Every ounce of this poem scream origionality from its creator and I truly enjoyed reading it. Please keep writing and I look forward to reading regularly.
I've been following you for years.
From time to time, I stumble back to your page and re-read what once impacted me so much.
It's a form of nostalgia when I read the titles of your poems, because though I already know what they consist of, I still feel like there is something new within them, because my perception has changed over the years.
The funny thing is, is that though my perception has changed, re-reading your poems brings me back to that present moment, of me, myself - 5 years ago.