Comments : Only one to run to

  • 15 years ago

    by No Need For A Name

    I would call this "Four Stringed Heart." I don't know why...it seems to just fit to me...

  • 15 years ago

    by PygmyPuff

    Great poem. I like the emotion and story behind it, its a great start. I'll give you some SUGGESTIONS for improvement (of course you don’t need to do what I suggest, do what you feel best)

    See i know I've caused you more pain then you could ever bring to me,
    I hear you when you say I'm low or cold, i know, and cant disagree.

    [This stanza needs a capital I (twice), then should be than, and an apostrophe in cant. I don’t like the start with "See", its such a weak word. Perhaps try rewording it something like "The pain caused is visible, and I know you'd never do the same to me". The next line should match that in structure, so perhaps "Your complaints are heard: I'm low and I'm cold, and I can't disagree."]

    But it still hurts,
    when i hear about you and your shit,
    But just like you did,
    i gotta get over it.
    [it? the reader doesn’t know what it is, until the end of this sentence there is a clue. Also the "I"s need capitalization. Perhaps reverse it again (I find this a good way to add depth) but stating something like "When you did your shit, I found out of course, and it still hurts. And as you got over me, I've gotta get over it."... it doesn’t rhyme, but I'm not perfect]

    But tell me how the fuc I sew together this broken heart?
    There's been hard times but this might be the hardest part.
    [This set is good. I really like how you use a physical form of correction when referring to a
    object that doesn’t exist physically (a heart). With my suggestions and this line all the stanzas are couplets, so perhaps this could be your structure?]
    Tell me what to do,
    When i only have one person to run to
    but thats the person that gots me down
    Nobody else can take away this frown
    These feelings of loneliness are just so new,
    somebody tell me what the fuc I'm to do

    [Suggestion: I changed the stanza to be 2 couplets as the previous suggestions. I still have all the content, just condensed it to make it deeper and shorter.

    “Tell me what to do now, so I can be happy,
    When the only one I run to has betrayed me.

    These feelings of loneliness are just so new,
    somebody tell me what the fuc I'm to do”]

    But there's only one person who can play that part,
    and it's you Irvin because you have my heart
    [Play the part? Part of what? It doesn’t seem like this line has a purpose, except to emphasize he’s special, and for something to rhyme with heart. So what part, caregiver of your heart? I like that, hmm. Perhaps a title. “Because it's you Irvin, the caregiver of my heart,
    and there’s only one who can play that part.”]

    And my heart will be yours,
    till I'm 6 feet under and my soul is above.
    I put one label on these feelings,
    and the label is LOVE
    [Simply condense the 4 into two…
    “And my heart will be yours ‘til I'm 6 feet under and my soul is above,
    There’ a lable on these feelings, and the lable is love.” I wouldn’t use caps, because I think its against the rules, but you don’t need it. If you ever get it published I would italicize it.]

  • 15 years ago

    by PygmyPuff

    Oh, sorry about the strange text... I had copied ur poem into Word so I could see if fully and not scroll up and down... they should all be appostrophes or quotes :(

  • 15 years ago

    by Krathia

    I suggest "One person to run/turn to". Good poem, by the way.

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "See i know I've caused you more pain then you could ever bring to me,
    I hear you when you say I'm low or cold, i know, and cant disagree."

    First off, all of the "i"s in your piece should be capitalized. In the last line, "cant" should be "can't". Otherwise, well-expressed feelings and emotions here.

    "But it still hurts,
    when i hear about you and your shit,
    But just like you did,
    i gotta get over it."

    Capitalize your "i"s and my advice would be to be more descriptive. Try giving the reader an idea of what "it" is in the first line, because we don't know. Is it your heart? Or what?
    Instead of writing "gotta" maybe change to "must", I personally think that it has more meaning in it.

    "But tell me how the fuc I sew together this broken heart?
    There's been hard times but this might be the hardest part."

    Second line: Instead of repeating "hard" later, change the first "hard", to "tough" or "unbearable", so the wording isn't so cliche, but more intense.

    "Tell me what to do,
    When i only have one person to run to
    but thats the person that gots me down
    Nobody else can take away this frown
    These feelings of loneliness are just so new,
    somebody tell me what the fuc I'm to do"

    First line: Maybe re-word to "Tell me exactly what I'm supposed to do,"

    Second line: Capitalize your "i".

    Third line: "thats" should be "that's".
    "gots" should be "got".

    Next two lines: Well-expressed, you are so desparte and just want help.

    "But there's only one person who can play that part,
    and it's you Irvin because you have my heart"

    I agree with the above comment, when you state "play that part" it really isn't giving the reader a clear idea on what part. So I would re-word that or just go back and think about another way to put it.

    "And my heart will be yours,
    till I'm 6 feet under and my soul is above.
    I put one label on these feelings,
    and the label is LOVE"

    I personally don't think there is a need for the "LOVE" in caps, but if you want it that way, no problem. Nice wording, 4/5 from me, I do think you could go back and work on some rough spots but this was a nice write. Take care and God Bless You!

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Sorry, forgot about the suggestion for titles, well here they are, hope this helps!

    "Only One Person", "The Holder Of My Heart", "Label Of Love", and "Forever Yours".

    Take care and keep writing!

  • 14 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    This is really fantastic , and the title fits it well . Good job with finding one :) . It's very easy to relate to , and I really enjoyed it . The flow is so natural , and the rhymes are never forced and different . I think you did really well other than a few spelling mistakes that have already been pointed out . You deserve much more than a 4/5 for this .

  • 14 years ago

    by 888Trinity888

    The only way I can deal with that shit is by just thinking about the moment and saying I don't give a shit about anything that happens and staying busy. but good poem btw