'The rain was just a metaphor
on a Monday evening'
These lines say so much since you stated to us that the rain WAS a metaphor, so you don't have to overstate it. Clever :) 'a' gives it a tone of none-specificity, rather than 'that monday', or anything like that.
Thought it was beautifully written, yet I have a problem with the syntax in the second stanza 'I shall mockery', did you mean 'I shall mock'? Or were you meant to insert a pre-modifier in there?
'nothing in particular but my heart' was quite striking since the juxtaposition of those phrases made it quite saddening, I beleive. Suggesting that the narrator's heart was 'nothing in particular'. Loved that.
Couldn't help notice you used colour again here; seems to be a motif in your poetry, but couldn't put my finger on the importance of 'saffron', the 'heart, smeared' was a sickening image, just by 'smear' the heart could represent anything here. Perhaps a significance to the title? Not sure.
You know..I have a friend who always adds colors when writing her poems, no matter how the metaphor might be weird and impossible to imagine. But you, Nevena, you never cease to amaze me with the colors you add in your poems, yet giving me a lovely feeling.
Simplicity in this poem captured me even more :) you don't know how much I love your poems really!
This was such a good piece, especially when I read the first line, preludes are the best way to catch the reader's attention.
Well done sweetie
I've truly deeply missed your poems..been checking your profile for some time lol.
Wow I like how you present this poem in a metaphoric manner. The 1st line just enthralls me to read further.
I like how you said that the rain was just a metaphor, subtly signifying your those hidden cries.
I also like the fact that you set the tone by telling the readers that this whole incident took place on a monday evening.As the reader, i have this mental image of a girl crying on her bed at night.
I like how you decribe 'dazzling wordplay' on the 3rd line. Seriously i'm beginning to love how you portay things in a subtle manner. In this case how you were being enchanted by this person's words but end up being deceived by his words and promises
but my heart, smeared
across the saffron napkin.
ok for these two lines, i feel that you are trying to add colors to your poem(that is good). Though in written form its nicely crafted but i think the colour contrast of how the heart smeared across the saffron napkin is not that strong( this is just my opinion) but it's still great
Overall i like how you exprimented with this piece from the start to the finished.This poem certainly has lots of potential.You're a very talent poet.Keep it up