What Remains

by Viola   May 16, 2009


Sometimes your departure angers me so greatly

That I am left with nothing but the desire

To remove every trace of you lingering around

To strip the sheets, and paint the walls

In an attempt to dismiss your smell from my memory forever

And even then I am but satisfied

For though your scent is found not intermingled with mine

Your memory, your ghost, I fathom I cannot erase

And still then though your voice echoes not from my bare walls

Your being still haunts everything I am

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  • 14 years ago

    by Gabba Gabba Hey

    I really like the concept and beginning of this poem--I really like the thought behind it.
    However, I feel that you misused some words, and did a word order that doesn't do your message justice. They break flow. I would suggest removing 'fathom' as it doesn't really fit what you're using it for. And instead of saying 'echoes not', I would say, plainly, 'doesn't echo' Of course, these changes are totally up to you.
    If you're going for a more medieval feel, you can definitely do it! I would just do it in less ways that break flow ^_^
    My favorite line in this poem is:
    To strip the sheets, and paint the walls
    They're basic things, but they are things that can be our greatest reminders...(I think the lines around it are really important, but this one shows intensity!)
    also, you wrote 'but' when I think you meant 'not'
    I do think this is a good write though!! A few changes, and it would be magnificent ^_^

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