Comments : A Book on a Shelf

  • 10 years ago

    by Andrew

    Brilliant, love your work.

  • 10 years ago

    by The Prince

    The rhyme in this poem bothers your piece, it's as if I can predict the word before I see it sometimes, which isn't fun as a reader. Assonance or a different form would benefit you here.

    'You're in with her tonight,
    Smiles fading by the candle light,
    Does she treat your heart alright?
    Secrets are absorbed into night.'

    Example is here, the monosyllabic rhymes don't move your piece forward as they should. 'Treat your heart alright' was cliched, but the 'secrets absorbed' was a nice touch. 'Fading' is becoming trite and lazy in poetry, and it's not the worst case of forced rhyme, though I stand by my view that it plagues your poem a tiny bit.

    'mind once filled with tangible goals' was nice, and as I've said before, your poems are dotted with little gems like that but it's not consistent enough:

    'My shoes are coloured charcoal dreams,'

    Excellent! :)

    The latter of that stanza bored me though, unfortunately. If you read it aloud it sounds quite pantomime, which doesnt drive the message or tone you want it to.

    'I turned a flower into a memory,
    That told me you regret being sorry
    When you promised it was just me.
    Other lovers hidden in secrecy.'

    Loved the first and fourth lines here, there's an echo of darkness which lingers around this poem that could be brought out more with the language as you've done here a bit.

    The ending was nice and it's a good write in all, the rhyme wasn't terrible but it gave your poem a bouncy, optimistic tone which isn't needed for a piece like this. A good write in all, not nearly consistent enough though

    Keep at it :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Faithless

    OK 1st of alll i would like to say that the title kindda draw me into the poem and im glad hat it lives up to it's title. I can see where you are coming from, relating yourself to a book on the self; often feeling neglected waiting for someone to pick up the book. I'm also glad that you didn't use the title in your poem as that is what made this poem interesting.

    Though this poem may filled with a feeling of loneliness, but I like how you add colors to your poem especially in the 2nd stanza

    I turned a flower into a memory
    ^^^ I like how you phrase this. Often for some of us, some objects is like a memento that bring us back to the fond memories we had, which in this case i think is the flower which your lover gave.

    The 3rd stanza let the reader in as what truly happen. I like how you end it , though both of you are together but you just feel separately apart.

    Excellent Job

  • 10 years ago

    by Nee

    God..I haven't read your poems in such a long time.
    I would have to agree with Dan..your rhyme did bother the poem..it would've sounded much more better without any rhyme here..the poem is excellent..yet it lost it's sense with the rhyme.

    "I turned a flower into a memory,"
    ^Amazing metaphor :)

    I've gotta admit I was drawn by the second and third stanzas more than the first..and your ending was pretty catchy :)
    Well done.
    Write on!

  • 10 years ago

    by Cale

    I really liked this! Really creative! Great work! I would love to read more from you!

  • 10 years ago

    by Stephanie Michelle

    This is the first poem i've read of yours and I must say, I'm inclined to read more.

    Your first stanza seems too optimistic for this piece, agreeing with the other comments, the rhyme scheme consistant through most of the poem takes away from the emotional state that the words are creating. Aside from this, very well done.

    I love the wording of the second and third stanza, both are very creative which is essential to writing. The only suggestion I have for you really is to change the tense in one of your lines

    "My shoes are coloured charcoal dreams,
    Taking me places I had once seen,"

    I love the wording here but since you are talking about your shoes in the moment you'r writing you should change the next line to
    "taking me places I have once seen"
    You change from present tense to past tense in an unnecessary manner.

    Overall great work.

  • 10 years ago

    by Katherine

    Very well written. 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Colby

    I loved the flow to this poem and the four line rhymes that actually made sense and didn't seem to intentional. great job!

  • 10 years ago

    by mnemosyne

    First of all, this was an enjoyable read (: There were bits that I absolutely loved, and thought were penned really well. Some of the rhyming, especially towards the beginning seemed a bit forced and unnatural to me, despite that the rhythm and form held pretty strong through the first two stanzas. The third seemed to fall off a bit for me ... the rhyming was more slant, which affected the cadence. It seemed a bit disjointed in that way from the first two.

    I loved "secrets absorbed" line, it was a strong use of words -- a great image there. The rest of that stanza is also nice, my favorite part I think.

    "My shoes are coloured charcoal dreams,"
    Beautiful!! (: The rest of that stanza kind of confused me though, I don't think you got your message across with as much of a punch as you intended to. It was a mix-up to my senses.

    "I turned a flower into a memory,"
    I love this line. (: It opened up the last stanza with a great and unique thought; there are also many interpretations open in this line, which is great.

    Overall, this piece was good (: Again, the rhyming kind of threw me off a bit -- it kind of gave the whole piece a cheery tone, which contradicted the emotion portrayed in the words ... but it was still a pleasure to read, and no doubt well written. Keep writing down the bones! (: I look forward to reading more.

  • 10 years ago

    by Prophecies In Kodak

    Jess..

    this is the best thing you have ever written.
    and i am entirely envious of you and this piece.

    you by far, took my breath away with this.

  • 10 years ago

    by Sourav

    Well good enough to create interest. Seems you've done little forceful rhyming... but it's okay. Some lines are really good.

  • 10 years ago

    by Hallo A Lilium

    This was absolutely beautiful. It held a certain irony. I can sense and tell by your words that you have lost someone near and dear to another. That is always painful and never a good thing to have to experience. But throughout life we go through it all. Death, Hatred,Love,And Joy. Our minds function on the same levels most of the time. It's hard to move on from the past. Because the past is what made you who you are in the now present. But also the present makes you who you are in the future. Love is a amazing gift to be able to feel. But it can be quite difficult to master the feeling. To gain control of your heart after it's taken. But there is always a way. We pretend that we have left our memories behind. But in all honesty they will never leave us. After we love it stays with us until we die. It's a pity that people cannot just throw the times they shared out. But In most cases they cannot. I loved this piece. It was well written and very descriptive. Hearts can be broken, But they do heal in time. Loneliness bears a troublesome hurt. Never forget though. Love will be around everywhere, You have only to look and search to find it.

    5/5

    -FeignOctober

  • 10 years ago

    by Marc Ortiz

    First of all. I like the title of the poem. It captured my attention.

    Anyway.

    You're in with her tonight,
    Smiles fading by the candle light,
    - Great opener. It sets an atmosphere for the reader.

    Does she treat your heart alright?
    - I like the tone of this line. It looks like you're worried for the 'guy'

    With rotting clothes, decaying holes
    - Excellent choice of words. It has a very dark 'feel' to it.

    Buried myself in blue, as not to (decay,)
    - Try not to used the same word in a poem. Though it's really up to you coz you're rhyming (I think it's okay to used it - But do try not to repeat words)

    Brilliant ending. It sums up the whole 'sad love story' of the poem. And it leaves a sad picture in the reader's head.

    5/5