Comments : King of Fools.

  • 10 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    'Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope.'

    ^ Wow, I really liked your opening here, the metaphor was deep and greatly used. I just wanted to continue on reading which I think is fantastic in poetry expecially if acheived in the very first lines. Good Job!

    'I honestly thought no one could shine the way you did...'

    ^ You went from your first stanza which was not too wordy and had great use of wording, to this stanza which was a bit wordy and lacked that use of depth in your vocab I felt. For example,

    'I honestly thought no one could shine the way you did'

    this was great within itself, however, it's more like someone is blantly talking to you which lacks the depth you are looking for in poetry...

    'Honestly, no one could vibrantly shine like you did,'

    this has a bit more punch and flow in my opinion, can you see the difference from your line to mine?

    Overall, I think this was a well written piece, and with a little work here and there, like I mentioned above, I think this can be an outstanding piece of poetry. Keep up the great work Lisa.

    Peace, Joe

  • 10 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    Certainly in a democracy any foolish leader you be a king of fools and I feel this free flowing poem is a timeless masterpiece

  • 10 years ago

    by Austin

    Okay, I enjoyed this. It presented a sense of danger, and sorrow.

    Was this a freestyle poem? I was trying to find the balance of a rhythmic pattern by I never came across it. Either way, the poem was very interesting and was certainly well written. You're vocabulary was excellent and I believe that's what truly made the poem what it is.

    I saw you were looking for an in-depth comment so I'll suggest a few minor ideas.

    In the first line-

    "Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope."

    I would advise adding a bit more of a formal tone by changing the words swallow and shoot out to suppress and emit.

    Example:

    "Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to suppress fear and emit hope."

    I could go on for days offering you various types of rhythmic structures to change the flow and alter the words, but I won't. =] lol

    I know you wanted a detailed comment though, so I hoped this helped somewhat. Well written, keep it up!

  • 10 years ago

    by Austin

    Okay, I enjoyed this. It presented a sense of danger, and sorrow.

    Was this a freestyle poem? I was trying to find the balance of a rhythmic pattern by I never came across it. Either way, the poem was very interesting and was certainly well written. You're vocabulary was excellent and I believe that's what truly made the poem what it is.

    I saw you were looking for an in-depth comment so I'll suggest a few minor ideas.

    In the first line-

    "Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope."

    I would advise adding a bit more of a formal tone by changing the words swallow and shoot out to suppress and emit.

    Example:

    "Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to suppress fear and emit hope."

    I could go on for days offering you various types of rhythmic structures to change the flow and alter the words, but I won't. =] lol

    I know you wanted a detailed comment though, so I hoped this helped somewhat. Well written, keep it up!

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope."

    I liked your word choice here, not cliche at all. I don't hear "dubious" and "obliterated" often, this was a catchy opening.

    "I honestly thought no one could shine the way you did,
    your smile could cut through tension.
    I had believed you would save us all
    from the great depression that was brewing,
    that you could cure my world
    with just one glance.
    Thats all it took.
    Naivete."

    Not sure about that first line, maybe reword to this: "No one could ever glow like you did".

    The next line I like how you used the word "cut", this line was unique and well-worded.

    Next few lines were brilliant, your vocab is deep and powerful. But "Thats" should be "That's". Honestly, I didn't know what that last word meant so I had to look it up, but I liked how it was a different word, not a cliche.

    "We searched for a leader, an idol- to show us how to achieve
    you fitted our desires, played with our hopes and dreams."

    Beautiful lines here, perfectly describing all that happened. I love that last bit, "played with our hopes and dreams", a fitting part.

    "You drained all you could from him, left him to die;
    Paralyzed, I was torn between two worlds."

    Well-expressed emotions and feelings you are facing.

    "A wreckage formed by your true colours
    or the paradise you promised.
    What a fool I had become.
    Dazzled by a brighter life"

    Such captivating lines here that hold the reader's attention the whole way. Nice job!

    "where disaster was unknown.
    Blinded."

    I noticed you did this earlier, have that last line be one word all by itself, it adds a nice touch.

    "You were the king of all fools, the trainer and the guide,
    But I was the fool who willingly took your side
    in hope of a better life."

    A powerful ending that sums everything up. I quite enjoyed this write Missy, you portrayed such talent in this piece, as others. 5/5 from me, take care and God Bless You!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 10 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "Dubious first impressions were soon obliterated
    as your eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope."
    `I see your format here has extremely long lines; an obvious suggestion would be to break them up into smaller lines to produce a nice flow.. but other than that.. I was really impressed with your start here. Such great word choice. Loved how you said their eyes began to swallow fear and shoot out hope. I have never heard eyes swallowing fear before, or shooting out hope - great originality in your lines here.. awesome job.

    "I honestly thought no one could shine the way you did,
    your smile could cut through tension."
    `I LOVED ' your smile could cut through tension' - cut has SO much meaning in this line, how STRONG their smile was and how it could cut through tension, gosh, I really loved this line. :]

    "I had believed you would save us all
    from the great depression that was brewing,
    that you could cure my world
    with just one glance."
    `I can truly only praise this piece for its wonderful thoughts and the way it was written. I loved when you said to save us from the great depression, meaning the worst things in the world.. this person could save you from anything.. they held such a large amount of power to cure your world.

    "We searched for a leader, an idol- to show us how to achieve
    you fitted our desires, played with our hopes and dreams."
    `This is like a perfect quote, It speaks a lot about life and the truth about how we all search for that one person in our life that is our 'idol' the one who helps us along in life and shows us how to achieve our goals, and make our dreams come true

    "You drained all you could from him, left him to die;
    Paralyzed, I was torn between two worlds."
    `This was kind of a weird transition? I'm kind of lost now thinking youre talking about someone else. Anyways, regardless of that I thought your word chocie was awesome here yet again.

    "You were the king of all fools, the trainer and the guide,
    But I was the fool who willingly took your side
    in hope of a better life."
    `Quite a sad ending but sometimes in life this happens..

    Well done - loved this, I can only praise it

    5/5. Temps

  • 10 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    A brilliantly written poem. Intense powerful wording. It seems you were called upon to accept a challenge and did it with flying colors. Impressive

  • 10 years ago

    by cataclysmicSoul

    Wow great poem,
    it had an amazing flow,
    and the way you described it was very impressive,
    great readx

  • 9 years ago

    by Stephanie Naylor

    I thought it was a pretty great poem. Though i thought that the beginning of the poem to the second half was kind of choppy, like it didnt transition that well so it almost felt like reading two different poems. It seemed to flow well and the overall idea was really well thought out, great job. 5/5