Comments : Swallow Your Heart.

  • 10 years ago

    by just ashley

    Omg! this poem is so beautiful! it almost made me cry!! this is the best love poem i have ever read and i usually hate love poems. :) very well written. i super love it.

  • 10 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    To explore your emotions
    absorbing each one
    then analyze them
    with my own...

    ...would they be identical?

    *I love love love this part. When I think about being in love with someone I think about our hearts being the same. I think this poem was brillant Temps. No lie. It's so refreshing and new. Your ideas are new and so is the style. I just had such a blast reading this. Keep it :) Nik*

  • 10 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Wow, what an unusual love poem, Temps:)

    I loved the structure and the wording and think it is a very mature write.

    These intense feelings can be overwhelming, certainly for a young woman like you. I can still remember how it felt when I had my first real love and how I could not eat or sleep and only think of him and every time I saw him my heart would start to race so fast..I still know his name too, even though I last saw him when I was sixteen. He moved away, to another school, another town and we lost each other in the end.

    You could be my candle
    light on those nights,
    my sunrise
    in the morning...

    ...the ray of my world.

    ^^
    Very touching words, girl:)

    I will vote for this poem on Monday.

    *hugs*

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 10 years ago

    by Sylvia

    An unusual idea for a love poem, swallowing the heart of the one you love to experience their emotions. Seems you have a very active imagination. Well done.

  • 10 years ago

    by Blissful

    So the title really caught my eye and I couldn't help but want to read it. Great job on picking a title that makes people want to read your poem.

    "next to mine, harmonizing
    with each flutter..."
    ^Wow Temps that was a wonderful description. Great choice of words in "harmonizing" It sounded so serene and musical...beautiful! "Flutter" was great as well although its used a lil too much, you made it work with your unique phrasing in the beginning stanza. Right from the beginning I was hooked.

    "To explore your emotions
    absorbing each one
    then analyze them
    with my own..."
    ^Isn't that what we all want to do when we fall for someone? Analyze their emotions to see if they feel as strong for you as you do for them. I wish it was as easy as you expressed it here. Very unique idea Temps I'm truly loving this poem.

    "Dim nights could be spent
    together, your love
    complimenting mine,
    our hearts cuddling..."
    ^Loved it! "Your love complimenting mine" It reminds of the post I made in the chat thread of love not completing you but actually complimenting you. Well said. "Hearts cuddling" How cute is that! I could just imagine it. :]

    "You could be my candle
    light on those nights"
    ^I didn't like this. It was as if you were repeating what you said in the previous stanza and just kinda brought the poem down for me.

    "my sunrise
    in the morning...

    ...the ray of my world."
    ^Now this was amazing! So beautiful.

    The overall concept of this poem was so unique great job girl! I could just feel the emotion and could tell this came straight from your heart. I commend you for taking a risk with your poetry and it really paid off in this one. You should be really proud...this is one of my faves by you! I loved the short stanza followed by the one liners...very well formed! We all wish we could swallow the heart of the one we love to truly know what they are feeling because sometimes words doesn't do it justice. Very well said hun! :]

    I am nominating this one because it truly deserves it.

    Well done!

    *5/5*

  • 10 years ago

    by ASPHYXIATED

    Well, I really gotta say something--
    you are the only poet that writes love poems that I actually enjoy. I love reading yours, when usually love poems make me sick to the stomach.
    You make them so unique to you, and thats what a poet should be doing with their poetry. Fair play, hun. And you've earned yourself a nomination. Well deserved.

    "I wish I could swallow your heart-"
    `It was pointed out to me about one of my poems that "-" means you are continuing a word in the next sentence so its better to use "--" or ";" to create a dramatic pause. It a pointer. (:
    The idea here is so brilliant. Its disturbing and beautiful all in one, wow.

    "but for curiosity."
    `I loved your word choice here. When we fall in love its full of surprises and we're always curious about whats really in the other persons heart, do they beat how we do..do they feel the same etc. Very well written.

    The alliteration of absorbing and analyze was perfect. They're separated enough to hold strength alone but close enough to show they're meant to compliment each other. Lovely.

    "would they be identical?"
    `When I was reading this it was kind of sugarcoated in dread..kind of like you don't want them to be identical but you really wonder what if. Great use of rhetorical questioning.

    "our hearts cuddling"
    `You always manage to create a scene where its lovey dovey but still so..unique. The idea of hearts cuddling is so strong, kind of like souls cuddling-- unreal yet so understandable. (:

    "You could be my candle
    light on those nights"
    `I didn't really like "those nights" maybe on dark nights, on shadowed nights, on those blind nights...I dunno but I felt you needed to give the reader more to work with for imagery.
    But I did fricken adore --
    "my sunrise
    in the morning"
    `so simple yet just...perfect.
    Like something out of a lovenote in a film.

    You ended it excellent, leave the reader thinking, wishing they had a poem like this written for them.
    I honestly never thought I'd be putting a love poem on my favourites, but away this one goes!
    great job.

    (:

  • 10 years ago

    by Hollow Emotion

    I wish I could swallow your heart--
    not only so that it would be
    next to mine, harmonizing
    with each flutter...

    ...but for curiosity.

    ~~Loved the beginning, you not only listed one reason why you wanted to swallow that persons heart, you listed two, and the flow of these lines were great. I like the difference in word choices as well, i dont normally read "harmonizing" and "flutter" in many poems. Very well wirtten!

    To explore your emotions
    absorbing each one
    then analyze them
    with my own...

    ...would they be identical?

    ~~ Again, very nicely written, now your telling the reader what you are wondering about by swallowing another persons heart.

    Dim nights could be spent
    together, your love
    complimenting mine,
    our hearts cuddling...

    ...the warmth of comfort present.

    ~~Wouldnt change a thing, this is very well wirtten, and i am really enjoying it so far!

    You could be my candle
    light on shadowed nights,
    my sunrise
    in the morning...

    ...the ray of my world.

    May I swallow your heart?

    ~~Again, i really liked how you used examples in this part, using candles and a sunrise just painted a beautiful picture in my mind, and whats more beautiful than two hearts together.

    ~~Very well done, you captured a lot of imagery and the way it was written was awesome!~~

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Wow, Temps, I must say this is one of your best works. Every line in this piece was oozing with emotion and above all, creativity and originality. I love the whole concept you wrote about, I have never heard that before. This was a refreshing poem of yours to read, the style and thought put into it made the reader feel so alive when reading it. Excellent work, this so deserves front page. I hope it wins!

    Take care and haev a good night.

    ~MaryAnne

  • 10 years ago

    by Ray Smallshaw

    The 1st stanza is a lovely Metaphoric beginning,

    I wish I could swallow your heart--
    not only so that it would be
    next to mine, harmonizing
    with each flutter...

    ...but for curiosity.

    and I like the idea of the added footnote something I haven't seen in a while.

    The next 2 stanza were not a disappointment either and put a lump in my throat with the love and the slight naivety of them,
    especialy each footnote.
    ...would they be identical? We no they would not be.
    ...the warmth of comfort present. What we all want really some one close enough to us to give us that feeling. Very good/ Excellent!

    The last stanza put the cream on the cake for me and closed it, no finished it with so much feeling making worthy of the Excellent tag I gave it, a truly magnificently written poem 5/5 Ray S

  • 10 years ago

    by iamYOURS

    VERY VERY COOL

  • "I wish I could swallow your heart--
    not only so that it would be
    next to mine, harmonizing
    with each flutter..."

    Love the image I get in the opening, it's just such a beautiful image and clearly somewhat romantic.

    Great poem =)

    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by The Prince

    Now a poem is never by any means perfect, but some poems have an honest tone which carry the words throughout. I did, on first read think that 'swallow your heart' was quite a strange image, but once you've esablished the heart as metaphoric, you can't change that in the course of the poem, and whilst I found this poem one of your strongest, I can't shake the feeling that the first stanza is somewhat detatched from the rest of the poem.
    The idea of paralellism is constant in this poem, which was a nice touch; the two hearts, the emotions, light/night. You handled consistency well there.

    I think you might need to replace:

    'our hearts cuddling...'

    Because, quite frankly, it's too odd to fit. I guess it's okay to use abstract images but I think the 'hearts cuddling' image is rather obscure.

    'You could be my candle
    light on shadowed nights,
    my sunrise
    in the morning...

    ...the ray of my world'

    Could have been easily cliche and trite but...I like it, there's something in the simplicity of it that's quite soothing to read.

    Another thing I have to suggest is this last line:

    'May I swallow your heart?'

    It sounded to me (not your intention) quite creepy. I don't think this adds anything anyway, at least nothing concluding. It's almost like a threat, haha.

    Well done on this, though. One of your better pieces.

  • 10 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow. I really like this poem. I love the structure that you used and how some lines begin with "..." . It just makes it even more interesting. It really opened up a new thought to my mind, I mean how wonderful it could be to have the person that you love's heart right next to yours? It made my mind wander!
    I especially love how you ended it with the question: "May I swallow your heart?"
    It's definitely an interesting poem. I enjoyed it. I am trying to be more constructive with my comments but I just really can't find anything wrong with this poem! Great job :)

  • 10 years ago

    by pceluvr4hapenes

    That was just..
    AMAZING
    like really good!

  • 10 years ago

    by Jyoti Rawat

    Toooooooo good
    a beautiful poem
    i really enjoy it.

  • 10 years ago

    by The Queen

    The structure pays to go the extra mile. Usage of words was not too expensive however with your uniqueness and ingenious mind, you managed to have this tremendous outcome.

    To explore your emotions
    absorbing each one
    then analyze them
    with my own...
    ^^ I dunno, i just felt that explore and absorb were not too compatible with each other...Its like contradicting with each other. I think it would look better if you'll put it this way,

    VV
    To explore your emotions
    then absorbing each one
    and analyze them
    with my own...

    The word "and" from and analyze them with my own is optional. Just my opinion and not necessarily to be taken.

    You could be my candle
    light on shadowed nights,
    my sunrise
    in the morning...
    ^^These were perfect to me.

    ...the ray of my world.
    ^^However this line bothered me a bit. It has the same tune, style, pattern, etc.. with the above stanza and not necessarily to be
    segregated unless it is more powerful or emphasizing another metaphor(s)..I think this line is to be added in the previous stanza or to be rephrased.

    May I swallow your heart?

  • 10 years ago

    by The Queen

    ^^I was about to say, nice ending but not too powerful, however it played a perfect match for the opening of the poem.

    Very creatively done. Good Job..

  • 10 years ago

    by Kaila

    This is so unique. Great Job! I loved the extra line after each stanza and all the periods. It was a different flow then most poems on here and I enjoyed it a lot. And just the idea behind the poem was unique. I mean who thinks of swallowing someones heart and can pull it off to be romantic? Nice work! It was very goosebumpy and butterflies for me. No critiques!
    5/5
    marking it as a favorite

  • 10 years ago

    by Chrissy

    Loved it .

  • 10 years ago

    by Grant Gilbert AKA Slash

    Beautifully written Temps i love the sentiment of the poem and although i don't think it was supposed to be, i found a sensual quality to the poem. It was also a lovely way of telling someone that you love them or wish to be near them.
    Well written

    Grant