Succubus

by Tripp   Nov 5, 2009


Long silken hair drapes the face of my dreams
two windows to my soul, from her face gleam
she has in her hands, the blue print to my soul
she knows what composes me; what makes me whole

her gaze entrances me against all my will
yet suckle to her I shall, for her I'll love still
with her knowledge she fashions bonds to restrain me
against the ties I will struggle, albeit quite lamely

and so, seductive tendrils of terrible temptation
worm forth from my mistress of manipulation

encapsulate me, in promised pleasures!
oh please ensorcel me, with forbidden treasures!
I implore you, grant me just this

instead she bears fangs unsheathed for a kiss

I feel the agony of whip upon skin
memory is sundered, forgot where I've been
all I know is this, this pain wrought existence
and I know that what she promised, she'll never relinquish

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  • 14 years ago

    by Karl Wild GG23

    Another great write with very deep meaning. Once again flow was pretty good but you missed a great deal of punctuation throughout the poem. Periods and certain comma's that should have been in. For instance on the second stanza I had to stop for a moment because on the second line you say "yet stuckle to her I shall, for I I'll love still" It makes the reader stop after the first comma and reread what they read because it sounds like it makes no sense. I think another comma after "for I, I'll love still" Will make the reader stop before saying the second part and have a much more drastic impact and not hurt the flow. I don't downgrade over punctuation for its easily fixed and for me doesn't hurt the meaning behind the poem. 5/5 well done

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