Comments : The Road

  • 9 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    ^Mother light your lantern
    For your child has lost his way
    Perfect shadows, perfect dawn
    Now can't tell night from day^

    The first stanza grabs the reader's attention. Nice rhythm and flow.

    ^Missing brilliant lover's moon
    Songbird mornings gone too soon
    Missing robins, missing rain
    Cannibals with whips and chains^

    Thought provoking imagery. I like the repetition in the second to last line of the stanza as was in the first and third stanzas. It is clever and not corny.

    ^Missing color, missing trees
    Gone forever honeybees
    Missing flowers, missing sun
    Single bullet, saviour's gun^

    Continuous great rhythm and flow in this piece.

    ^Lay me 'neath dark sycamores
    Respite from the cold
    Ashen snowflake blanket
    Dreams of Summer gold^

    I love the word choice in this stanza and the picture painting imagery.

    ^Are we the good guys Daddy?
    Tell me if you see
    Difference in what never was
    And what can never be^

    Good smooth transitions between stanzas, nice beginning, middle and end. Excellent job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Cindy

    Debbie
    How wonderful it is to see you wrting something again....It is a awesome piece. Everything ellse has been said...except I didn't nominate it because you are my sister. I nominated it because of the quality of your work :)
    Excellent job!
    Love Cindy

  • 9 years ago

    by Melpomene

    Debbie,

    I was so excited to have you write for the challenge, and when you sent me this piece, I was excited. I said to Norhan how beautiful I found this poem , and we both agreed it was lovely. Congrats on winning the "dark category" with this poem in the challenge, it was definitly well deserved!

    I loved the darkness of this poem and yet it was filled with such innocence.. which provoked the emotion to the reader.. My favorite stanza is of course the first, it really grabbed my attention.

    When I read this poem at the start, I wasn't so keen on the repetition of the word "missing" but I read it a second time and it really came together.. and I thought it was a good idea.

    I adored the juxtaposition between the beautiful imagery and the dark imagery. It was effective in portraying your attention to the reader.

    Overall this poem was gorgeous. Thank you for the lovely read. It is good to see you writing again.

    -Mel.

  • 9 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Some wonderful poetry has been on the front page this week.. one of them being yours. I thought you did an awesome job, the flow was perfect. The darkness in this piece was extremely overpowering & you really felt it with each word. The repetition of "missing" was brilliant, all these bright things missing from life really makes the darkness set in. A truly fabulous piece here, really impressive!

  • 9 years ago

    by The Queen

    The roads of life, roads that were taken by men.The destination is almost near yet sadly, no lessons learned along the way. A very smart and at the same time fabulous write. Amazing!!!

  • 9 years ago

    by Cindy

    Congrats on your win Deb. Very well deserved.
    I love you
    Cindy

  • 9 years ago

    by Kuro

    A very interesting write you have. the flow made it easy to read, and it made me want to know what inspired you to write something so beautiful. i think i might check out this Cormac McCarthy fellow

    ~kuro

  • 9 years ago

    by Nee

    Now I wanna read the book!
    I love the poem Debb :) you definitely did an awesome job.
    Nothing more to say.

    Write on~