Comments : Retracing Galactic Road

  • 9 years ago

    by Lauren

    I like this a lot. It is very poetic, of course, but also very unique. Great job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Awww, this is so sweet Azzza:)
    I cannot believe I didn't see it sooner!

    This is so soothing and it almost felt like a children's poem. I can imagine little children seeing this in their mind's eye: a planet floating around in outer space and then falling in love with another planet. I love how you personified the planet and gave it a human face. This really is so ingenious and original. Just like p&Q to not notice this gem at all;)

    You are a truly remarkable young man, Azzza and so is your poetry:)

    Big hugs,

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    I like the poem, what picture painting imagery and a nice word choice.

    I have a couple suggestions though:

    ^Colliding with catalog
    of stars across the universe,^

    This needs to say a catalog or catalogs.

    ^A blast of plasma blind my eyesight,
    radiating through my optic veins;
    spectrum of lights inverse.^

    here you need to use blinds

    and the optic veins part sounds unnatural. You have an optic nerve and retinal veins.

    ^Traveling through time
    and space, I witnessed heavens
    from different layered dimensions burst.^

    You could remove the I and say witnessing.

    ^Visionless; unable to
    see the celestial horizon,
    I retrace the steps
    from which I physically immerse.^

    I would reword a bit. Too many I's..In poetry, you should try to make the most of every word and not use so many meaningless fillers. Lots of the, I, you, me...just try to reword a little and leave out the words that aren't necessary without changing the meaning of the piece.

    Besides the couple suggestions I have made, the piece was very beautifully penned. Good flow and use of metaphors. Nice use of enjambment to make the reader anticipate the next line. The subject of space although used metaphorically gives an air of mystery to the piece. Overall, nice job!

  • 9 years ago

    by The Queen

    Aimlessly,
    I sail the milky way
    without a compass.

    ^^

    Yours was a good start however i found it too short therefore the odd flow.

    Devoid of purpose,
    I sail the Milky Way
    Stars are my compass
    and trails of moon-dust.

    Traveling through time
    and space, witnessing heavens
    from different layered dimensions burst.

    ^^
    There was an abrupt turn after the first line, And it distracted the entire stanza. Just take a look at the example I have made for you.

    Traveling through time
    into the marvels of space
    witnessing heavens atop
    layered dimensions’ burst.

    They are just my opinions and maybe I have different ideas on my mind so i won't go further.

    However, I found the theme of this piece sparkling. lol. I love how you painted and portrayed such marvels on my mind. The word usage was outstanding also, although in my opinion there were some misplaced. The meaning/idea behind this piece was absolutely beautiful.

  • 9 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    Great! It looks and sounds better since you made those couple little changes!

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Well deserved win on this unique piece of poetry, hun:)

    *hugs*

    Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Congrats on your win!!!

  • 9 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I must agree with everyone else on the stunning imagery...I felt as though I was walking with you and experiencing all of this myself. Quite the interesting imagination and inspiration you have.This piece truly deserves the win, a truly beautiful write, original & very enjoyable .

  • This poem is like a dream to me. Everything in it is so visual. This poem needs a music video to go along with it. A poem video. I really like visualizing the first lines of sailing the milky way without a compass. Just makes me think of you in a boat in a starry sky.

    5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by kelleyana

    I am in love with this poem. Such a fantastic imagery. The best poem i have ever red on this site. Very welll done, you motivate me my friend.

  • 8 years ago

    by Acoustic Odyssey

    Beautifully penned piece. Utilzing space as a metaphor was purely genius. You've created a lot of amazing images of a interstellar walk to love. Comparing her to a "cosmic rose" I wish could've thought up something like that.
    Much enjoyed!
    Take care