Mistakes.

Erroneous and sinful,
i'm not the person
i wanted to create
the person i wanted
for you to see;
to love.

arrogant and proud,
the person i became
cared for but one thing
and just that alone;
her needs.

malicious and accusing,
words slipped uncontrollably
from a mouth too wide
to just shut up and listen;
to understand.

all the while,
you faded in the background.

miserable and stupid,
teasing encounters transformed
from an innocent touch
to flesh on sinning, lustful
flesh, screaming:
use me.
ruin me.
just don't let me think.

corrosive and forgetful,
memories drowned in acidic
shades of anger; the bright flashes
of jealousy and hatred interrelated
to concoct an intoxicating, unrelenting
mixture of torture:
if you don't hurt me, i'll hurt myself.
baby, i need the pain.
young and desperate,
the cheery roses i held had thorns
and they did not once let me forget
to bathe myself in guilt daily,
to numb the mistakes.

my fragile mind had no room
for more monsters, so i let it
go.

forgotten.
it was supposed to be forgotten.

as a born sinner,
i sinned.
as a girl irrevocably and deliriously
in love with you,
i'm sorry.
forgive me;
for all the wrongs
for all the fights
for all the unnecessary envy,
i'm sorry.
sorry beyond words.
sorry beyond belief.
just so, so fcuking sorry.