I found this poem interesting, I believe you know I'm studying art.
"Canvas, splashed with vibrant colors,"
You don't need the comma after canvas, I find that it reads better without it, has a better flow without the pause. Generally you'd pause after the first word is you wanted to create that dramatic impact on the reader but to me canvas isn't an emotional word, it is an object, and it doesn't form that deep emotion you'd expect after placing a comma after the first word, I'd remove the comma so that it focusing on the flow a little more.
I do like the visual imagery of bright colours splashed against a canvas, it helps relate the title to the poem, bright colours are joyous - nice link between the two.
"where red and blue amalgamate
causing lilac hues to drip..."
This is just me being picky haha but red and blue together don't form lilac, white must be added, I do understand why you chose lilac instead of purple, it is definitely more of an interesting sounding word and colour. I do love the imagery again with the paint dripping down the canvas.
The flow was great in the first stanza but it became rocky at the end of the poem, in the second stanza I felt like you knew what you wanted to say but couldn't write it in any other way then how you have and it has changed the flow. Perhaps you wanted that dramatic change in flow but I found that I liked the way the first stanza read better.
I love the meaning behind the words in the second stanza however, so nice work.
Azzza, I loved this the moment I read it. I do have a some suggestions to make (you're not going off that easily) but first let me say the nice part?
I like how you reversed this. you did not start it by the person, you, viewing the painting which, to me, is named ''Euphoria'' and thinking about it. but rather with what you think or your impression/description of it, as if you're too deep into the masterpiece in front of you to think otherwise, so you got it right in the middle of your head and then you let us out. you explained. so to me it was not only reversed but also every line uncovered another detail, until in the end we got the whole picture/idea.
so again, I loved the idea and the way you penned it but my problem was the wording/ word choice. I think you could have worked better on it to be honest and you are able to do so. you were a bit impatient it seems with this. let me explain for example..
''Canvas splashed with vibrant colors,
where red and blue amalgamate
causing lilac hues to drip...
an art work of a master painter.''
Canvas (cloaked?) with vibrant colors
where red and blue (wed?)
and lilac hues drip
I do understand that tastes vary and this maybe a bit feminine for you XD or maybe you're comfortable with your word choice. which does not take away from the uniqueness of the piece but you could make the piece even more unique if you worked more on the words? in my opinion at least? oh well.
I very much enjoyed it though, Azzza, so thank you. I even enjoyed ruffling your feathers a bit. you're so peaceful for me to pick on you elsewhere.
8 years ago
AMAZING! I really am liking the imagery you have created in this piece, especially in the first stanza. A very nicely written piece. well done!