If I Hear Your Heartbeat (Letter to My Unborn)

I'm feeling so damn nervous,
So scared but need to know.
I feel you in there but I'm not ready,
Too late now, I'm starting to show.

Nine weeks today, I'll know shortly,
Early tests said no I guess.
"Phantom" my ass, I tried forgetting,
I'm so damn tired, hungry; stressed.

I feel like screaming "Not on purpose!"
How can I be a mommy now?
Look at my example, my biggest fear,
Is to be like that somehow.

No money at all and little support,
Skinny in the morning, bloated at night.
If I hear your heartbeat in there Monday,
The news with most would be a fight.

I want you for me and for your dad,
But the world will judge us and so, hurt you.
Hurt my child, my crazy comes out,
And who wants their family more black and blue?

My broken life was on the mend,
And there it went; slip, pretend.
Keeping the faith to stumble again,
But I don't want to see your little life end.

I love you already but fear ain't the word!
And I want to hold you, but this is absurd.
Your kicking, I'm screaming, we're two hearts in one.
I am your mom and I know you're my son.

Gavin's your name & I cannot breathe,
My mind is spinning so fast and so free.
Help! From God, from anyone! Please!
I'm begging for warmth before I freeze.

I'll care for you and raise you right,
I know I come second, as of that night.
Please don't leave me because of my freight,
I turned off the past when I turned on your light.

I want to be the best mommy you know,
Your bigger already, I'm starting to show.
I feel like I'm screaming "I have a purpose!"
So scared but really, I know I deserve this.

I'll love you deep and support you always,
If I hear your heartbeat there on Monday.

Love,
Mommy