Comments : When Girls Fall In Love

  • 9 years ago

    by Jad

    When girls fall in love
    they write the guy's name in a heart
    But when they are dumped
    Most of them torn that drawing apart
    I liked this first line alright except in the last line I think I would "torn" to "tear".

    When they feel that someone cares
    They will focus only on him
    But when they find out he really doesn't
    The girls throw out the small presents and bears
    A simple line expressing how one feels with a guy and then changing it to how they feel when they break up.

    When he speaks into their ears
    They believe each and every word
    And when you see their tears
    They have found out that what he said were lies
    Another line that is descriptive but something about the last line bothers me and I'm not sure what to do about it.

    When they're kissing
    The girls get closer to him
    Their heart is racing but their brain is missing
    The heat is impossible to escape"
    A very general line for how most young girls feel when they are kissing someone. Good descriptions but it is somewhat hard to read since there is no punctuation.

    They feel wanted desired
    And what happens next is hard to explain
    But for the girls is a memory to maintain
    Cause For him it was just another night
    Another sad but true line. Most guys don't even care about what they do. They just think its another girl.

    After that he walks away
    Thinking of the next girl he will meet today
    Leaving the girls crying in bed
    Realizing that to him it was all a joke
    Yes, girls will have to come to the point where they must realize that some guys just like them for how they look and not for whats on the inside.

    Now these girls think their Stupid
    For believing all his lies
    And giving in to his desire
    Which is something that he shoulda just admire
    Descent, not too much to say for this line.

    They see him with a new girl under his arm
    And murmur "she's just another one"
    She probably feels like an angel from above
    Because that is what is believed When Girls Fall In Love
    I was actually surprised to see that you a good ending. It was good and to the point.

    In all I have to say that you do have the talent to be a good poet but it will take some practice and time. Your poem did not flow well but that could be due to the lack of punctuation which is needful in most poems. You have a talent but you will need to further your knowledge in poetry in order to hone it. Great job and keep writing.

  • 9 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    Wonderfully expressed sentiment from a girls point of view in poetry. Excellent and revealing to a guy. Best of Luck.

  • 9 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    Wonderfully expressed sentiments from a girls point of view in poetry. Excellent and revealing to a guy. Best of Luck.

  • 9 years ago

    by jarrod

    I like how you cut straight to the feelings. This way the poem isn't riddled with pointless statements, it simply states what should be adhered to. It was interesting to hear the hidden feelings of a woman, it's not often a man gets to know such things. I'm glad you know how many men can be. Don't give up on them, you just have to be careful and find a good one. As far as the critique goes, if you took a few minutes and changed out words to achieve a streamlined flow of syllables, it would be even better than 5. Good work!