That was amazing, i dont usually go near snow but that almost makes me want to. you made is seem almost magical. great write. keep it up!
9 years ago
Hmm, interesting little poem you've got here.
I think you have a good concept, but I think you could be a bit more creative with your rhymes, as some of them seemed a little stiff. I'm going to be a goober and analyze some of your lines. If I sound critical, know that I'm only trying to help. :)
I really like the first two lines of the first and second stanzas, and I think the "full of passion" is a clever way of describing the snow: children passionately playing, adults passionately despising. Cute. :)
"In it, children will laugh and play" This line is very straight forward, but I think it could be enhanced if you chose a sensory description for the snow instead of "it". Do the children play in forts? In piles of downy snow, what?
"yet adults inside all day." This line just doesn't make sense. You need a verb here, and a few extra syllables to match the rest of the poem. My mind substituted it as "adults linger inside all day" to keep the meter up.
"Few find happiness, the rest encumbered." This is knit-picky... I think you're saying that few adults find happiness, but you could be comparing the amount of children in the world to the amount of adults? Keep in mind that when you put an amount on something in a generalized sense, you should be accurately reflecting an amount, otherwise it can be confusing. You might want to clarify who the few are.
"When did we lose it, I've often wondered." Excellent. Short, sweet, to the point. Mysterious "it" here works well, as that spark of childish happiness isn't quite describable.
"Look past the difference, find affection."
This line. Oh, this line breaks the poem for me. I assume the difference you mean is in the perception of the snow. Okay. But I don't understand who needs to reconcile that difference... if it's the adults? The children? Both? I think that adults generally encourage their children to play, and I don't think kids usually despise their parents for shoveling. Beyond that, the necessary "affection"... I'm really just lost. I don't know what you're saying here, and seems more like a suitable sentence to rhyme with the rest of the poem. But I don't see any actual depth or consequence to what is being said.
That said, it seems like you've put some good thought into the rest of the poem, and I really did like those lines I mentioned above.
Keep working. :)