I woke up with the sun begging me to let him in.
Happiness was present as I realized I didn't have to get up yet.
But bills must be paid and cats must be fed.
The studio needs cleaning and the news needs watching.
Clothes need folding and I need coffee.
The sidewalk is my company when I set out to Starbucks.
A yellow summer dress gains so much attention.
Two dollars wasted on a 10% pre-recycled paper cup
and a dose of caffeine.
People stare but they don't get a smile back.
I have priorities -
Facebook, email, and bank accounts.
A good friend joined me and we spoke.
I smiled as I thought of how much I have changed.
Coffee gone and a new adventure to embark -
Cashing a worthless paycheck and trying to keep you off of my mind.
Only one o'clock in the afternoon and I am already thinking about what to do next.
Do I text you?
No. You may not answer and I might get anxious.
Do I call you?
No. I may not know what to say.
I go to the one person who will welcome my chaotic thoughts with open arms - my aunt.
Sunshine, feet in the pool, and cigarettes are suddenly indulged in my life.
Along with music, laughter, and roses.
Company is always the remedy of a pondering mind.
I speak of what everyone wants -
A hand to hold, a shy smile, a simple touch.
I get a smile in response and and a few comforting, wise words.
I am waiting for my phone to ring as if it will save my entire life.
But lonely thoughts are met with silence.
My heart races as I hear a received text -
Silly me.
Just a friend.
I cease from thinking, and fall into hoping.
Eventually even hope has to fade into relaxation.
I laugh and I joke.
and prepare for dinner.
"So I'm home," is what the next text says.
You say so much in so few words.
Not wanting to move too quickly, for I don't want my emotions to show.
You are only in town for a few small hours -
Just to pack and such.
When I see you, my words stutter.
Thoughts begin to race, but you would never know behind my smile.
The feelings are reciprocal, so I have to text my aunt.
Next thing I know we are racing to pick up a pizza from the best joint in town -
Heroe's.
You laugh at me for it is so far away.
Little did you know I just wanted to spend more time with you.
You remind me it has to be quick because your parents might show up at your house.
You tell me you're stressed.
I want to hold your hand to comfort you.
I want to make you laugh to help you.
But I don't.
Sitting at the bar we talk about the other night.
You enjoyed yourself.
You giggle as you poke gentle fun at me.
Delivering the pizza to my aunt, we go back to your house and have a conversation I was not expecting -
Sexting.
"I just couldn't do it," you said.
"Yeah, if I wanted to hook up I would just say so."
A bite of pizza.
"So, do you think kissing is more personal than sex?" I ask.
Although I know what you're answer is going to be.
"Yes."
My eyes are opened as you tell me you were scarred by your ex.
How can I help you when I've only just met you?
You're so much more than a one night stand.
"So are you seeing anyone?" I ask.
"Guy or girl?"
"Both."
Hoping you would say yes to a girl, you say no because you need time to yourself.
Maybe I'm just crazy for liking you.
I'm screaming to tell you I like you, but my mouth remains still.
More boxes and cigarettes pass us by.
I think you like me, but I just don't know...
Neither do you.
"You're quiet," you tell me.
"I get quiet when I think."
"What are you thinking about?"
"the Black Eyed Peas."
If you had asked me what about them, my voice would have quivered as I told you they have a song that makes me think about you.
You walk out of the room.
I think, "When she walks back in. I'm going to kiss her."
But I remain still and my courage fades.
The sun has set and it's time for me to leave.
"I'm going to go back to my aunt's," I say. "Will you walk me out?"
Walking to my car I imagine you reaching for my hand.
But not all dreams come true when you want them to, and time has a funny way of working.
You hug me.
I have hugged you many times before, but for someone who does not want to be in a relationship, you hold onto me tightly.
When you let go, I ignore the voice of my insecurity.
"I'm going to do something very forward."
"What?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"Yes."
When I pull away, you're smiling.
I tell you to have a good night as we depart.
I get into my car and the first lyric I hear is, "I will never do you wrong."
Aren't those should - be signs ironic?
Or devastating?
Or just plain stupid and useless?
Some of the best things in life are unexpected.
Bumping into an old friend.
A cup of tea waiting for you when you get home.
A great episode of Dateline when you turn on the T.V.
...A text that thanks me for coming by and hanging out.
The confusion sets in when you want to confess.
Instead, I say "I enjoy spending time with you."
Saying "Dido," or "Me too," aren't as personal as "spending time."
I leave it at that.
I don't want to get hurt again.
I'm not ready to trust.
I"m not ready to start over.
But...
My door remains open.
After all, this is just today.
We never know what the future holds.
I don't know if I'll ever become a writer.
I don't know if I'll ever own a Mercedes.
But I do know the sun will be begging to come in tomorrow and I will spend my two dollars.
I may even get a call from you.
