Chaos art

What have I done? What am I paying for?
Made my choice & still feel insecure
Been convinced of not being able to stand against waves
Been taught not to dig looking for those who are buried in graves
But I've already taken my place in my sinking ship
& looked forward to an end for this ocean trip
& I've already paid for loving the rain
Got wet with no target to attain
Right here back from where I did start
Found out that chaos is a glamorous art
Now that each road leads to it self
My passion is to put on a shelf
Fed by the poison of a snake
Now taking a forever lasting break
Finally my soul had spoken to release the words I don't mean
& I did comprehend that the choice isn't my dream
Yet your eyes remain my torture machine
How come they not, when they are dark green
The color that soothes me when feeling obscene
The darkness isn't my partner nor is the light my enemy
As for you, I'd rather you remain my ugliest memory
& again, no one would dare to swear it'll be my last despair
So the last part of the lesson is that it isn't taught yet
& that not learning it might be a threat
But the teacher himself wasn't taught
If that part should be tutored or not
So sure of myself that I wonder, who am I?
& change my mind with each blank of an eye
Today it's regularity I will depart
To move on to chaos art