Now I Will Never Know

Being 18 and not the man of the house was never easy

I wouldn't listen to him and he wouldn't listen to me

Mum would be in the middle but would never pick a side

He just wouldn't see my point of view and I couldn't see his

We would argue then one time we actually fought

Back then I thought that I knew everything

It was my way or the highway

He'd go on about not having girlfriends in the house

Then I'd act like I was taking notice, then I'd secretly sneak them in

He'd even try to lecture me on safe sex which was like banging his head up against a brick wall

Mum would also lecture me about listening to him

But I wouldn't listen to her either

Years later I grew up got a job and left home

He and I finally stopped talking which had to happen sometime

I'd occasionally see mum and go round for the odd dinner or two

But she'd hide things really well so I never saw what she was really going through

He'd hardly be home which I found odd

Then 4 months later I get the call which shatters my world

Mum is on her knees begging me to come

My heart feels like its stopped beating when I see what has been done

When I used to come round I thought that he was out living it up

I had no idea that he was in the bathroom coughing his guts up

I generally thought that he didn't want to see me

Now mum says its because he was diagnosed with TB

And instead of him telling me and us working things out

He kept it to himself and shut me and mum out

Now he's gone and I just don't know how I feel

We never really got on but the the thought that I'm never going to see him again just seems unreal

I'm now 27 with a wife and a baby daughter on the way

And I still can't get over the fact that he wasn't standing beside mum on my wedding day

Now I'm about to become a father myself I can't help but feeling low

Because he never showed that he was proud of me, and if he was then now I'll never know.