Colm I don't know whether it was intentional or not but a parasol here makes me think of protection not only from the heat of the sun but also from the heat of suffering, desire and some other things. While you are kept there or you keep yourself there you/she dream(s) about possibilities and the imagery used simply enriches this stanza.
"to whisper you flowery nuances,
or tickle your toes with my toes."
The reader feels the warmth of love, the desire and I felt emotionally moved when I read those lines although your intention (maybe) was the opposite. It is your subjectivity thinking about her subjectivity:
"you must think I would still like"
You deny/reject what you feel but your attitudes deny your words. Only those in despair and utterly alone would read the dim-graffiti or be awaken during the slumber of the city.Above all, it is a hard task to occupy the process of unbelieving. I see a conflict mind x heart and a man split in two. Longing, anxiety and maybe hatred are all exploding through the lyric subject. Besides there is a sense of grief beneath the neutral surface. The pseudo neutrality here masks pain in my opinion.Maybe I am wrong and If I am I am going to be glad because poems are always open to new interpretations.
7 years ago
by The Prince
I enjoyed Karla's interpretation of this poem. Kind of interesting how our metaphors can trigger off meanings and sub-meanings in someone else's mind.
I mostly enjoyed this, Colm, though I thought it lacked something. A spark. A lift. Something! It frustrates me how I can't put my finger on it, but when I read it, the language is soft and telling rather than evocative and showing. This is fine, by the way, though I feel the subject deserves a little more life if you know what I mean.
Take your first stanza for example. It's only really there as a kind of sub-context isn't it? I feel your second stanza brings the metaphor to life but by the time you've done that, it's the end of the poem and I feel a little lost as a reader. A lot of the phrasing earlier on is a little flat and dreary. 'Flowery nuances' is a clumsy image I didn't really get , though I enjoyed the toes image because it boasts the connectivity between the subject and persona though the tone seems to shift coming into the second half. Disquieting.
'I could have other things to be doing' is nice. I like that. You could actually end the poem there and you'd be left with a dry, bleak kind of poem which would be shorter and more ambiguous.
The main problem I have with this poem is that there are two sides fighting to come out, and neither do. The first stanza is dreary and interesting, and the second is introspective and curious.
I enjoy your writing, Colm. It makes me think. Though I think you have trouble with consistency throughout your poems. Having said that I'm only really being semi-harsh because you're talented and have potential.
7 years ago
I love that you used the word parasol, and if you see that in one of my poems, don't feel I am copying you, you have just inspired me lol. I love the idea of it, to me it feels so feminine, and when you make it 'rain soaked', it seems so... doom and gloom. It gives me a stark image of a lonely person on a sidewalk, waiting.. why else would they stand in the rain forever?
I actually liked the flowery nuances. I thought it gave a certain feel to how the poem was supposed to be. You don't want that lovey-dovey stuff that you used to do back when you FELT the love.
I think the ending was the best, about occupying the process of unbelieving. Probably because I feel it really fits into my personal life right now so I could emotionally connect to it. I thought that was a really great ending that could potentially open up for a lot more, but I like how you ended it.
I really enjoyed this piece. You place the reader directly in the middle of the scene, so much so, that it is almost uncomfortable-- as if eavesdropping on a lover's spat.
Like Danny, I feel that "to whisper you flowery nuances" is clumsy and even grammatically incorrect. You might be able to whisper flowery nuances TO someone (if flowery nuances were something you could whisper.)
Overall, the way you have written this is a bit choppy and could be smoothed out IMO.
Here's a few suggestions:
If you think I would wait for you here,
beneath this rain-soaked parasol,
you must also think I would still like
to whisper flowery phrases in your ears
or tickle your toes with my toes.
There are other things I could be doing,
instead of re-reading dim graffiti or
listening to the slumber of the city...
I could be busy dreaming...
I could be occupying the process