Comments : Tamed

  • 11 years ago

    by Sylvia

    It is short and to the point, showing the reader emotions in the taming of one by the other in the name of love.

    In this line, since you were talking about a whip in the one before, I would change it to flicking passionately. That would complete the image of a whip flicking through the air.

    lick passionately

    miscarriage dreams. In this line for some reason sounds like it should read miscarriage of dreams. Seems to be missing something without that word or another you would find suitable.

  • 11 years ago

    by Kuro

    So short. i read it a few times. first time it just flew right past me haha. one phrase i couldn't get out of my mind and seemed so vivid.

    sandpaper embrace.

    like an uncomfortable hug. it hurts so much to pull away. rather than endure the pain you just accept the embrace.

    interesting poem. thank you for sharing :)

    ~Kuro

  • 11 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    I wondered if the implications in this well thought of poem are correctly worded?
    e.g. here is a reworded version, which hopefully carries the same meaning:

    Your forked desires
    gilded in
    a sinewy whip
    lick, passionately
    bind me,
    in your
    sandpapery embrace.

    I oblige,
    clutching, to
    miscarried dreams.

    Notes:
    Forked tongue (an idiom) meaning "to make false promises or to speak in a dishonest/contorted way." So the analogy to create a new metaphor here of "forked desires" (like a reptilian forked tongue) is inventive, but falls short of connecting the thoughts well, so some suggested modifications as above with some needed punctuations.

    I added the line "gilded in" to reflect the idea of a "deceptive coating" in here.

    "Sandpaper," a noun should probably be replaced by "sandpapery," an adjective, to be grammatically correct, as shown.

    Similarly, you may wish to use "miscarried" a verb for the noun "miscarriage" here, to imply "unsuccessful" as in rewordings above.

    Nicely worded, a creative metaphor for a passionate kiss here, but without punctuations makes it hard to decipher the meaning:

    "sinewy whip
    lick passionately"

    A "sinewy whip"= lithe, muscular (like a ballet dancer's body) whip, used as an analogy to reflect a passionate kiss here.

    A very well crafted poem with interesting metaphors.

  • 11 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    I have read alot of poems about love, what it is, how it can be lost or acquired but i have never read anything like this...just short but carries with it alot of emotions..