Comments : Trail Of Engagement

  • 10 years ago

    by Kayla Sonya Dearing

    Loved it Hun. I love all of your poems that I have read

  • 10 years ago

    by Max

    Hmm this is fantastic
    I can't say how much I love this poem really

    lets see

    "While holding this trophy
    my heart glamours for joy;
    teary eyes sparked with happiness
    when I saw those people behind me..."

    the starting stanza was very nice
    you used some good words here
    I like the imagery you draw here
    it is like you won some tournament and you got the trophy.

    "But, suddenly my eyes
    clouded with darkness;
    my ears heard nothing,
    but a deaf of silence...
    I was scared to step on
    and afraid to be fall
    into the cliff hole."

    oki now you are making me wonder,what happened for this to be??

    "and afraid to be fall"
    remove 'be' or make 'fall'------'falling'
    2nd is better

    "I was in the Garden of Ebony...
    All was clothed with darkness
    I begun to cry, to jitter and to regret.
    I heard their voices...
    calling my name,
    I followed their trail
    that slowly vanished
    and drowned in the air..."

    oki now i might be understanding u mostly(in my opinion) fainted and then died you went to a very dark place that you can see nothing but darkness and you can even see your self
    love the imagery in last line
    "drowned in the air"
    very well written

    I wanted to touched them
    "with my fingertips
    But I was halted in the ground
    Kneeling in the middle of fame
    Enduring their faces smiled in pale
    I wanted to reach them
    but all I did was
    embraced this glittering trophy..."

    oki now somebody pushed u to the ground
    i wonder that fame is your fame right?
    you now can see pale faces smiling?
    you wanted to reach them but all u did was holding your glittering trophy??

    hmm makes more sense now here is another story
    you might be talking about fame manics
    they can pay everything for fame and when they get it they stuck to it and don't want to leave it,even when it is useless and when life is fighting them they don't fight back but stuck to symbol of fame he\she have.

  • 10 years ago

    by Xanthe

    I understand dark poems have ambiguity and obscurity, but perhaps this is too abstract? Or perhaps this is too dark for me?
    Hm:

    "While holding this trophy
    my heart glamours for joy;"

    Questions are immediately formed in my mind. What trophy? Whose trophy?
    What I come up with is perhaps it is a metphor for success or something within that line.

    "teary eyes sparked with happiness
    when I saw those people behind me..."

    Perhaps the persona is overwhelmed with happiness with the honor given to her, that she thought 'people behind' her would easily crush her, but in the end, she has won, hence holding the trophy and being so happy.

    "But, suddenly my eyes
    clouded with darkness;
    my ears heard nothing,
    but a deaf of silence..."

    This gives suspense which is nice for a poetry in this genre.. But 'a deaf of silence' is nonsensical. 'My ears heard nothing but silence' make sense.

    "I was scared to step on
    and afraid to be fall
    into the cliff hole."

    Expand, Mery. The persona was afraid to step on what? Eradicate 'be'. I don't know what a 'cliff hole' is, perhaps the 'edge' of a cliff?

    "I was in the Garden of Ebony...
    All was clothed with darkness"

    The Garden of Ebony gave a nice imagery, but again, expand on the second line. Who/what was clothed with darkness?? The persona or the garden?

    "I begun to cry, to jitter and to regret."

    begun--began
    I think this would read better if you play with the line breaks a bit. Make it more dramatic and breath-taking. I'll show you:
    "I began to cry,
    to jitter, and
    to regret"
    ---Something like that. Play with the layout and format and punctuation (but be careful of what punctuation, a wrong choice would disrupt the flow)

    "I heard their voices...
    calling my name,"

    The ellipsis was unneeded here. But if you want to retain a certain pause there, a hypen would do.

    "I followed their trail
    that slowly vanished
    and drowned in the air..."

    Good imagery. But the setting seems a little shaky. It keeps changing and shifting but perhaps that's what you intended here? A dreamy sort of atmosphere?

    "I wanted to touched them
    with my fingertips"

    The lingering question: who are 'they'?
    I like 'fingertips' here. Connotes a gentle touch.
    touched---touch

    "But I was halted in the ground
    Kneeling in the middle of fame"

    'Halted' is not a good word choice here. Consider changing it..
    Kneeling shows respect and perhaps the persona is humble in her fame.

    "Enduring their faces smiled in pale
    I wanted to reach them
    but all I did was
    embraced this glittering trophy..."

    embraced--embrace. Revise 'smiled in pale' it is grammatically incorrect.
    Message-wise, the persona is humble inside, but she has a heart of stone in her actions. This shows the 'disadvantage' of always winning; losing humility to impress. Well-written, overall. Keep writing
    -X

  • 10 years ago

    by Joseph Boadi

    The imagery was good.my only problem is i have diverse themes to this poem.was it literal as in u fainted and died.the iction i would say was perfect bt the whole poem leaves 1 to wonder.generally it was good

  • 10 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    This is amazing! 5/5 :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Wicked Ways

    Welll this poem is mysterious and thought provoking, well to me it is and I love that, it was an awesome poem you have come up with here. . .

    I liked the entire poem, nice work
    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by JustAnotherPoet

    I love the feeling the poem gave me; clouded with mystery and darkness. However I am not entirely sure about the message it is trying to convey. Nevertheless, good work!

  • 10 years ago

    by Marvellous

    God wouldn't give us, all we care. But His calendar, is our hope.

  • 10 years ago

    by Angel

    Oh my gosh his left me speechless ;)

  • 10 years ago

    by L

    I left my vote but not my comment,

    I read this poem like five times, and I like how it sounds, I like that it slowly creates some images in my mind, but there still remain some questions to me. Like what is that trophy? How did she earned it? But overall I enjoyed the read.

  • 10 years ago

    by Jawwad Zafar

    Wow! You write so good.. Keep it up
    A 5/5 :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Jawwad Zafar

    Wow! You write so good.. Keep it up
    A 5/5 :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Kumar kainth

    Very nice compostion

  • 10 years ago

    by Innocent Fairy

    Wow,,achieved greatness, amazing write 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by DarkLight

    Ooh, wishbyou had taken the chance before missing it,,

    gud piece

  • 10 years ago

    by Alexandra Jozelia

    Truly amazing *-*
    Loved it!

  • 10 years ago

    by East Poetry

    I really feel the moral or lesson of this poem is,

    "while traveling to the top, don't forget to thank and even help the people that got you there.

    A wonderful poem!

  • 10 years ago

    by Jenn

    So I do like this piece, but at the same time... Through out reading it, I got a little confused on it's meaning.

    My initial thought was the moral to this tale is... When you get to the top, don't forget the people who where behind you. Who helped you achieve glory. ???

    "I was in the Garden of Ebony
    That clothed with darkness;
    And I started to
    missed those people
    behind me,
    but I left them in the milestone
    of broken pledge..."

    This poem is very well composed, I enjoyed reading it. You're an amazing writer. :))

    5/5
    Jenn

  • 10 years ago

    by Thomas

    Good poem but some words seemed strange to me (mostly in a grammatical sense).

    But the topic and writing were very good ;)

    Keep it up!

    5/5