Comments : The tears in her eyes... [ Chained Tanka ]

  • 9 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    Oh, Amreen...this is heartbreaking. :( I have to ask though, is this about a mother... or are you speaking of the young teacher who got shot in the elementary school shooting in Connecticut? Because either way, it fits...and it is truly heart wrenching for me to read.

    The last two stanzas got to me, I teared up. Her kids mourning for the loss of their mother(or teacher), having to watch her lay there lifeless...while they are so scared and don't know what is truly going on. Some sick monster just murdered an innocent person, someone they love.

    This is beautiful, but it tore me up. </3

    Edit: Okay, thank you for adding what it's truly about. I understand it a lot better now. It is still very sad, I'm an animal lover and I really don't agree with hunting. The only way I see that it would even be remotely okay is if the person was starving. Nowadays, they hunt for a hobby and it's very sad... it's why some animals are almost extinct. Once again, thanks for adding the note.

  • 9 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    Really heartbreaking piece! You know one thing? I believe that you spoke what I couldn't speak. You really dig inside my heart and explode these feelings in the appropriate way and form which I would like to use if I were you.Hunting as a hobby is itself a disaster and anyone who does it should be treated as a real criminal. The problem is I have some friends who used to do that through hunting falcons but the real disaster is that after few days their falcons get withered and die and they finally don't care but rather tend to repeat it again and again.
    Now I checked the flow and syllable count and found it almost perfect.
    Overall:
    This piece is heartbreaking and deserves nomination. It came in time where no one and no authorities care and no action taken.
    Thank you for the brilliant write.

  • 9 years ago

    by La Reina De Corazones

    This poem is sad but beautiful!!! i love the fact that it sounded so dark and like a lullby to me... creepy but beautifuL!:) 5/5

    Queen Ash

  • 9 years ago

    by Mohan

    Beautiful written with heart breaking lines
    you are a gud writter...

  • 9 years ago

    by Hellon

    You know Amreen....if I'm being totally honest with you...I'd remove the chained tanka part from your title enabling you to move some of the word around slightly. At the moment I feel some words have just been placed to fit the syllable count and...it kind of spoiled the message you were putting across here but....I'll leave that up to you.

    The content of the poem...well, visually it was both sad and wonderful at the same time. I do not agree with killing animals as a sport even if the animal is eaten at the end of it and the skin..or whatever else can be recycled is....it's just cruel! I do eat meat but I like to think these animals were killed in a humane way not pot shots where they may linger and suffer.

    The vision of her kids lying around still trying to suckle just broke my heart...

    I can tell you love animals...recent poems have made that clear....good for you to bring these issues out in the open!

  • 9 years ago

    by The Queen of Spades

    Truly heartbreaking, I know you said this was meant about the hunting of animals, but I thought it could be so relevant to the horrifying and tragic Connecticut massacre.

    Either way, you wrote a poem that could be interpreted freely. This piece is written so eloquently, good job

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    I really do like this poem. its very well written, and it has such an important message (if anyone will listen) and its a poem that can mean so many different things depending on who reads it and when.

    A piercing silence
    tears the tranquil of life and
    shatters mute souls,as
    an innocent gets killed for
    temporary amusement.

    ^ shouldn't it be tranquility in the second line? but the rest of the stanza is an excellent hook for your piece. Nice job :)

    She lays lifeless down,
    her blood flows incessantly.
    She's mourning as tears
    flow from her eyes; as if they
    ask the reason for her fault.

    ^^lifeless should be lifelessly I believe and and if from the fourth line could easily be deleted for a better flow.

    Her kids rub their nose
    agaisnt her; surrounding her,
    whispering their cries.
    Afraid and unaware of
    the injustice that happened.

    ^^ this one has lots of detail and imagery. Its nicely written and serves the visual need in the piece.

    Her dead eyes depict-
    her happy family ruined,
    her kids turned orphan.
    Can we ever empathize
    for the sad tears in her eyes?

    ^^ Wow, great way to end this. Especially like the use of the question. It adds a new depth to your meaning and it really leaves the audience to think about the way that people do certain things. And you touched on the emotion here perfectly.

    The meaning of the piece is clear. This is well written. The descriptions are clear and vivid enough not to bore the audience to death even if it is a short piece. Your style is nice. The word choice was well used and quite simple. Excellent job. Fantastic piece.

  • 9 years ago

    by alka mendiratta

    A truly heart rendering poem,very nicely written.
    A message to hunters,to peep into the animal kingdom......."Can we ever empathize ......''5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by NobodyKnowsItButMe

    This poem is a first of its kind for me! I really loved the style and novelty! Good poem!

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    This is sad and true: we are the real animals in this world, Amreen. There was a time, I even had trouble eating vegetables, didn't even want the plants to give their lives in order to keep me alive. I cannot phantom any human being so cruel as to take a life just for fun...but yet they do..and even the life of their own species for the same reason;)

    Well done, hun!

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by Stephen

    The horror and agony experienced is quite vivid! All that for "temporary amusement"... Sick just as you've written.

  • 9 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Aww this poem really touched me. I thought it was about humans, until I read your comment at the end. I really like that you decided to write about this topic. It's not something we all think about, but in this poem you reminded us of hunting.

    I think the ending touched me the most...

    "Can we ever empathize
    for the sad tears in her eyes?"

    ^^ I love it. I feel like as much as we hear about all these horrible things happening in this world, it's difficult to completely empathize when we haven't been through the same situation. It will never be the same as experiencing it yourself.

    Such a powerful poem. Great job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    *wipes tears from own eyes*

    This is one of the most powerful poems I have read. I think I relate deeply to it because I love animals and hate the thought of people doing this to them, no matter what the excuse is.

    A piercing silence
    tears the tranquil of life and
    shatters mute souls,as
    an innocent gets killed for
    temporary amusement.

    - you describe this so well, I can actually hear clearly the screams this poor mother would cry out, both in fear and in pain, it is devastating and chilling to witness this. And like you say, it is only for someone else's amusement? How at all could this be worth entertainment? :(

    She lays lifeless down,
    her blood flows incessantly.
    She's mourning as tears
    flow from her eyes; as if they
    ask the reason for her fault.

    - again such powerful imagery, I can imagine this poor animal lying down to die and feeling comletely terrified at what has just happened, it makes me wonder how animals think because in my head I would imagine them still worrying about their young and wishing them safety. I almost wish to know that they do not think at all. so heart breaking.

    Her kids rub their nose
    agaisnt her; surrounding her,
    whispering their cries.
    Afraid and unaware of
    the injustice that happened.

    - I think this is the most beautiful thing about animals, they are so innocent, and even when someting bad happens, their innocent souls cannot comprehend what evilness has taken over their homes and their family. To grieve for their mother and to now have to fend for themselves and be "orphans".

    Her dead eyes depict-
    her happy family ruined,
    her kids turned orphan.
    Can we ever empathize
    for the sad tears in her eyes?

    - I love your ending, I truly love this whole poem. They "!£$"£$%" ( excuse my language ) think that they can do this for fun and claim that is " just a deer" or "just a tiger" etc, they dont even begin to wonder about her family, if they have just left the den in search of food for her brand new born babies. Not to mention the fear they inflict upon the animal during the chase. It is all just torture.

    REally great job with this poem, it's description is so spot on and the topic itself is heart wrenching, the way you have worded it has brought tears to my eyes and also anger to my blood to know that these people will never read your words or care for the outcome they cause.

    Keep on writing!! x

  • 9 years ago

    by Adelle

    The emotion in this piece is intense, it haunts the reader after the poem is finished. A very vivid piece, the structure of the poem is such that the flow is perfect.

  • 9 years ago

    by Autumn Leaves

    This is great poem sweetie, many poems are written every week just for this site yet they lack meaning and depth. I appreciate your theme here about the blood of innocent animals being shed. I like that you're given these helpless animals a voice no living thing should be kill to feed any one stupid ego or for fun.

    The words you used here are powerful they touched my heart and made me feel empathy for these helpless wonderful creatures.

    Amreen this a wonderful poem...keep writing.

  • 9 years ago

    by Marcy Lewis

    This is so terribly sad. I never really approved of hunting, but I never really gave much thought as to protesting it, and this makes me want to.

    Her dead eyes depict-
    her happy family ruined,
    her kids turned orphan.

    ^The babies already had lost a father, it sounds, since they are orphaned. Too often this is truth, and the little ones die off trying to fend for themselves.

    Great write. I never expected this, reading the title.

  • 9 years ago

    by DeviousCharmer

    I love this . it's so sad . actually made me cry because i could totally picture it. it sucks when a tragedy happens like that. hope this isnt personal experience.

  • 9 years ago

    by Yakori bint Muhammed

    I can see you really so passionate about conveying the pains of animals in their habitats. Its rather unfortunate people derive passion in hunting for pure thrilling fun and having to express it outrightly, makes one cringe.
    Below is my comprehension of the poem.

    1st Stanza:
    One can see the overwhelming pain evident here, how the sight of cutting short a clans life is felt by these animals in their kingdom. The peace clouding their lives is now thwarted, causing pangs of fear and pain. And adding more pain to the injury is knowing the purpose was that of pleasure.

    2nd Stanza:
    The animal killed lies motionless in her own pool of blood. Others mourning her sudden departure as tears trickle down their face, asking why they're subjected to such ills; what's the fault of this animal.
    I can picture the scenario here, so vivid and gets one all emotional. Feels like watching their adventures and travails on animal planet.

    3rd Stanza:
    This is the most touching stanza to me, the kids clamoring round the lifeless body of their mum, letting out muffled cries, unaware of the reality flung at them. So innocent and vulnerable are they now to survive in this wilderness.

    4th Stanza:
    Her eyes project the uncertainty thrown at her kids, now orphans. Whether answers can ever satisfy muddled questions nor the compassion slitting through her. And ending on a final note whether we can ever feel nor comprehend the sadness in her.

    Hopefully people will come to realise the pain, fear and uncertainty these animals are subjected to by fulfilling personal frivolities. Let's pray situations will change and there's also a need to sensitize people of the dangers involved in such acts. As such hunting can be reduced.

    Amreen I always commend your poems because of how profound and insightful they're. They're informative and inspiring and I can't find better words to show how glad I am to feast and learn from your poetic well.
    Stay blessed my sister, much love.
    Ciao!