Dancing with the Devil

My husband and I were married in the church.
We sit in the same pew every Sunday,
and we're pointed to as that "young couple"
What no one ever tells you about no sex before marriage,
is once you get married,
neither one of you really knows what the heck you're doing.
But we sit on the same pew every Sunday,
we hold hands during prayer,
we smile for the pictures,
but I wish my husband's penis worked for more than 37 seconds at a time.

Our marriage counselor suggested role play to help with our little... problem,
which I was on board with,
but the first suggestion my husband made was
Adam and Eve.
Like those two knew what they were doing either.
I love Adam... Steve. I love Steve,
but I realized that sometimes God can't fix things...
for more than 37 seconds at a time.

I'm having an affair.
I know, it's terrible,
I know I'm a hypocrite,
but Lucifer... sorry, Lucas, is amazing.
He is smart, and kind, and he knows my body better than I do.
He loves me.
I think I've been waiting for this kind of love my whole life.
Steve and I started dating in high school,
both of our families were in the church,
everyone approved of our relationship.
We were married young,
he was in love,
I was curious,
but as I stood with him at the front of the church,
I had this moment of, "What the **** am I about to do?"
And, then I thought, "Oh crap, I just cursed in my head in a church!"
I looked out at the audience, searching for my mother's face,
knowing her smile would reassure me,
but before I found hers,
I found Lucas.

***

I left Steve.
Lucas and I lived together and every day was magical.
But, my family has disowned me,
my church prays for my return to Jesus.
My mother calls every day to inform me there is no Christian divorce.
I finally cave in out of weakness,
This love that I've been waiting for is tearing me apart.
Lucas' face when I told him I was leaving is burned on my eyelids,
I see him every time I close my eyes.
Steve forgave me immediately,
My family welcomed me with open arms,
and on my first Sunday back in church,
our pastor thanked God for the return of their beloved sister and lost lamb.
This is my life.
This will always be my life.
But, sometimes, God just can't fix things
for more than one day at a time.