REPEATED MISTAKE

REPEATED MISTAKE
Never thought this would be me. Thought I always knew better. Told my sisters Id never be that weak, Id always hold mine together. As I look back to my childhood, I start to remember.
The sounds on the other side of my wall were terrifying, and seeing my mom on the floor laying there crying. Bruises all over, heartbroken, and sad, this horrible man, and I'm supposed to call him Dad?
How did I get here how did I let this repeat? Now the sounds of terror are coming from Me. I'm gasping for air, asking to breathe. I'm crumbling in front of him, just like my mother, I'm weak. I feel like this cycle will never stop, is this going to be my daughter? Is she going to let a man hurt her, because I took it from her father?
Yet my heart begins to question, will it make it that far? Or am I going to lose this baby inside me and be left lonely with only a scar? He asks me a question so in tears I reply, so swings at me again and tells me to lie. My head is throbbing I can't even think, my hair in his hand, my face against the sink. I just want him to stop and give up, he wants an answer I don't have before he has enough.
I'm seeing picture of my mom as her face hit the ground, her throat clenched and us kids just standing around. We were so helpless, yet so brave, why didn't she protect us, and how could she stay? Our small faces staring up at him fearing we were gonna lose her, He had no mercy no pity just continued to abuse her.
I had so many visions of what I would do in her position, how I would run off and grab a knife from the kitchen. I'd let him bleed slow and make him apologize, and I'd hope she'd do the same every time. I'd never let a man hit me no matter his size, Id spit in face while I stared in his eyes.
And here I am broken and beaten, asking him to stop, Im begging and pleadin. My throat and whole body hurts, my legs feel like they don't work. He decides he's tired of swinging so he sits on the bed, tells me to strip down and starts spitting instead. My whole body is numb, and I'm target practice standing there dumb. I want to wash off but he doesn't let me, his mucus all over, saying I was better before he met me.
I start to remember these things about my mother, how happy she was until he took that from her. She smiled all the time, seemed to hold me more, and this man came in and started a down pour. He made her weak and useless; I never understood how she could do this to us.
How could I have made that mistake in my life, went out into the world thinking I had it right. Thought the man I loved was a lover, come to find out he had done this to another. He would never change, his mother left him at too young of age, and when he lost his brother it drove him insane. He was the worse when I tried to leave him, he'd start cussin and screamin and justifing his reasons. I'd try to calm him down, but none of it worked, deep down he was a child, and that child was hurt.
I finally found the strength, it's kinda sad that she wouldn't. I'd give anything to make it right, trying hard but just couldn't. My world was shattered, picking up pieces, but I had to give it up and surrender him to Jesus.