Comments : Gods' Beauty

  • 10 years ago

    by Alanis

    I love This, u see wonders in life, u r truly a child of God

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "At night
    I look at the sky
    and admires the whole universe
    so beautiful to explain."

    - My first suggestion is to separate your poem into stanzas. It will feel more natural to read as well as give the poem more direction, instead of each and every thought being placed together.

    - My second suggestion would be to add punctuation. I think every poem is different and a unique work of art. I don't think there has to be punctuation to make a poem "be" a poem. However, since you are narrating, not just providing images or nouns, it will make a lot more sense and flow better.

    - Third line: "admires" should be "admire".
    Also, "so beautiful" would read better as "too beautiful" since you are saying it is too beautiful to explain.

    "The moon
    brightly shining
    embracing the dark and tracing it back to its original point."

    - Since there is no verb here like "the moon is", I suggest writing it like this:

    "The moon-
    brightly shining,
    embracing the dark...."

    "I look at the stars
    wonderful pattern laid on the sky"

    - Should read "laid out in the sky"?
    "laid on" sounds very awkward here.

    Don't forget to edit, edit, edit. Your words should be coherent and understand since you are trying to show the reader the beauty of the earth, of God's own creation.

    stars should be possessive --> stars'

    "God must have attended art and craft classes
    but where?"

    - I like the idea with this, it's cute, and shows God's originality in creating landscape and art that is full and pure. Expand on this a bit more so it doesn't feel so short. Like you could say, "but where, because I cannot fathom..."
    Just my opinion though, remember this is YOUR poem.

    "The whole thing is amazing."

    - Here, you are telling the reader instead of showing them. We want to feel, sense, touch, taste, see, what you are experiencing. You really don't need this line, since this is what you are trying to express.

    "At day time
    can't help noticing
    the giggling sun
    erasing the stripes of darkness
    wiping off the stars
    you might think nothing existed there."

    - This really needs work here. Use punctuation as an aid, be creative with it and use it to your advantage. Unless each line can make sense on its own, which it doesn't here.

    Here is my suggested/revised stanza:

    "At day time
    you can't help but notice
    the giggling sun,
    erasing the stripes of darkness,
    wiping off the stars;
    you might think nothing existed there."

    I notice as well you use a lot of -ing forms of a verb. You could just as easily say "you can't help but notice the giggling sun as it erases the stripes of darkness and wipes of the stars."

    "God you are such an amazing creator"

    - Not a big fan of "amazing", it just as no substance in my opinion.

    "and all glory goes back to you
    for you are awesome and beautiful"

    - Love this, it shows your faith and your passion. Indeed, everything should go back to God whether it is in simple praise or everyday kindness.

    "beautiful than the universe you created
    beautiful than the person reading this
    I hope too appreciate your blessings upon his/her life."

    - It should read "more beautiful" to be grammatically correct because you are using "than", therefore making a comparison.

    Last line: "too" should be "to".

    Basically, I overall felt this poem was very rushed. I understand the gist of it, what your message is, but since this poem also can appeal to the senses and you are trying to inspire the reader, don't hold back. Give more imagery, more emotion. Give the time and dedication to make this poem something that will stand out to the reader. Show the reader the wonder and awe.

    Keep writing!

    • 10 years ago

      by DarkLight

      I av noted it down n will continue workin on it until i get a good one

  • 10 years ago

    by CRAFTY KEN

    Love it! As you said, the Creation is awesome but the beauty of the Lord outshines it.
    Great work brother!
    Ken

    • 10 years ago

      by DarkLight

      Thank you so much Ken.