This is honestly the best poem I've read from you dashiel. I think here it's a different format from you andI loved that. Again I loved the imagery. But this time you seem to personify the charcater. I loved how you talk about the character as a whole though. The poem is called myself and I can feel ythe sad tones throughout the whole poem. The wording is great as well. Again you pinpiinted the details well. The tears are real. I feel this poem has a touch of real life issues toit. As in I believe this happened to you. The character is very vivid here. You did a great job overall.
9 years ago
I like the flow of this piece and the feel you so easily establish. I enjoy the word choice and the message you are trying to get across. I think you penned something stunning and simple. Nice job
A moving write that has gotten me from the very start. Each one unfolds slowly as well as emotionally into the next stanza filled with images that grabs the reader's heart.
Like a faded part of a painted fairytale,
a star has lost its way--
it shines but it's crying,
it twinkles but it's dying...
behind its good smile is a heart that's breaking.
^^This one really stood out for me. It reminds me of a movie where a clown in the circus makes the audience laugh behind the mask he cries. A star that shines for all in fact is hurt..a gripping sadness here..
All in all a very touching write where your voice reaches out to the reader...take care.
Shoot, via phone I thought I gave a 5... I thought I did but I am seeing a 4.8 ... Don't tell me I clicked on 4 instead.
This is a very personal poem but it doesn't overpowers the reader with nostalgia or melancholy. It's more of a reflection. And ironic, you are reflecting at how you will see yourself in the future. Though, one most go on and try our best so in the future it will be better. I mean that's what reflecting upon is for to see what it's lacking in order to do something and add the things that are absent in our lives so they can make our life better.
This poem didn't much interest me on first reading, but I took more from it the second time round. All in all, I think this is almost a free-writing exercise: your thoughts on paper and while the tone is good and the voice strong, I think for me it is a slightly above average self-reflective piece. The best self-reflective pieces leave room for the poet to self-reflect also: the worst are self-involved whinging, but this falls somewhere broadly in the middle, neither one nor the other. I think the fact that there are so many of these 'where am I going in my life' type poems that its difficult to find a really good one.
Onto the poem itself. I think the images are inconsistent and too abstract. For example: 'Under the blanket of darkness,
my heart drowns in crimson thoughts' - Some cliches in here, and what does it actualy mean? You are telling us that you are sad, and are trying to do it in a way that is different which is good but there is no image that can be conjured in the readers head of what is going on. It would be better if you could show the reader how and why you feel the way you do if possible. At the end of the poem, I don't feel that I really learned anything about the poet. Another example is
'The constellation where I belong
begins to vanish with the decision that I've made.'
It's so vague and difficult to picture: what is this decision? I feel that there is little to interest the reader, and it is quite difficult to feel the sympathy for the poet that this type of write should bring.
I think it just isn't to my taste so much, even though I have read far worse. I can't offer much constructive criticism unfortunately: I can identify with some of your other work more and will try to get around to them in future.