Turns 18 in a month

I've been living for almost 18 years.. And..

- My dad doesn't love me. He wasn't there when I was born. He left and that's all.
- I've never been a priority, always an option. That's why when someone's being nice to me and try to put me first, I feel like shit and I'll push them away.
- Nobody has ever stood up for me. So I had to stand up for myself. But it was cool, because it made me to be this independent girl.
- People often made up rumors about me, but I don't care. I always keep it simple; people who love me for me will always be there, not a single shitty rumor can make them change their feeling for me. And, of course, they'll know the rumors are not true.
- I have dated, maybe, fourteen guys.
They were different. But they were all the same; heartbreaker.
- One of them, broke up with me a day before my birthday. That was the worst birthday in my life, because I locked myself the whole day and cried so much.
- I hook up with that person last week and I feel really stupid. I don't understand why I can be so stupid.
- I still love him. But I'll try to hide, because he doesn't give a crap anymore.
- I need to stop giving away my body to someone who calls me only when they feel lonely.
- I need to stop admiring someone who thinks of someone else when they kiss me.
- I need to start to say NO to people like that.
- I need to stop loving people like that.
- I'm crying while writing this. And it's not because I'm sad because he doesn't love me back, but because I'm disappointed with myself.
- I'm not sure if I'll have a bright future.
I'm so scared of the future, to be honest. Because I was born as a shitty kid from shitty childish teenage parents and I feel like I don't deserve a happy life.
- I'm not ready to grow up and see the future.
- I just want to sleep in a coffin, burried with the soils.