Dancing with Ghosts

by Kakera   Jul 25, 2014


2014-07-25 15:15

O specter of my fading wishes,
dance with me woman, I need it:
My taps followed by your fading steps
making music on this wooden floor -

Take my hand now, like you took my soul
to the worlds between love and hate
where our demons and angels make music,
and let us paint love songs on my silk dress -

Dance with me, even for one last night,
O lingering revenant of my past, dance.

We were going to be promising forever,
but we can't even seize the night properly;
I loathe my lack of power, my idiotic power,
and how I could never create miracles.

So dance with me, even for one last night,
because we're way beyond reinventing the past.
Dance with me a final time, my lover and my friend,
With your evanescent tears adorning my velvet dress.

Dance, my love.
For forever, my love.
Dance. Dance. Dance.

If only you knew...

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Didn't seriously think I'd write another thing based on prompts like... ever again. But oh no, that was naive of me. Prompts:

velvet tears
between love and hate
ghost girl
reinventing the past
you took my soul

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  • 9 years ago

    by Alexandra

    O specter of my fading wishes,
    dance with me woman, I need it:
    My taps followed by your fading steps
    making music on this wooden floor -

    ^ This brings to mind an image of someone who is yearning for a lost love, that they there heart aches for one last night of embrace, but are instead dancing alone in the moment. I feel like it really sets a tone of loneliness but puts across emotion.

    Dance with me, because you took my soul
    to a place between love and hate
    where demons and angels make music
    out of the silence and the screams -

    ^ I like how throughout this poem you repeat the line "Dance with Me", but for this particular stanza, I feel like it would sound better to drop the "Dance with me, because" part and just start with you. It would add a bit less repetition and give a stronger start to the stanza. Just a personal thought.

    Dance with me, even for one last night,
    O lingering revenant of my past, dance.

    ^ I like the way this line ties in and puts across the point that this person is not with you, or at least physically.

    We were going to be promising forever,
    but we can't even seize the night properly;
    I loathe my lack of power, my idiotic power,
    and how I could never create miracles.

    ^ What about "We were going to promise forever"? I don't know if you put that tense in there on purpose or whatnot, but thought to point it out if not. [:

    So dance with me, even for one last night,
    because we're way beyond reinventing the past.
    Dance with me a final time, my lover and my friend,
    With your fading tears falling on my velvet dress.

    Dance, my love.
    For forever, my love.
    Dance. Dance. Dance.

    If only you knew...

    ^ I love the repetition and the way you faded it out in a sense. This would be an awesome spoken poem with a sort of haunting piano piece to accompany the voice. I really like it a lot.

    • 9 years ago

      by Kakera

      Thank you for this amazing comment, and thank you for reading!

      I've re-written most of the second stanza by now, and I absolutely think you were spot-on about that part. I never really got the second stanza to work properly in my own mind when I was writing this piece. It ended up very different though, but hopefully for the better. Also rewrote a couple of other lines.

      The "promising" line was written that way with intent. It maybe does sound a bit strange, but I think it has to be that way, because I had more than one image in my mind when I wrote it. My intent with using said tense was creating some ambiguity as to how to read it. I'd love to hear what you think about whether or not it worked though, because if it didn't, I might consider rewriting that part as well.

      Thanks for the amazing feedback, obviously praised your comment so just waiting for the mods to agree with me on that part.

      I really like the idea of using this, maybe rewritten into a much longer poem that is less repetitive, as a spoken word poem, with that sort of haunting piano to create the atmosphere. It's a really nice idea, and it's not impossible that I make something out of it.

      Anyway, thanks again!
      With love,
      Jean

  • 9 years ago

    by uttAm

    Great work!!!

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