Disappear

by ShadowsEmber   Sep 17, 2014


It's funny when the world seems against you
you always want a way out.
How though you have no reason,
A hole develops in your chest.
An emptiness,
Like a void.
And all you can think is
"When will this end?"
All you want is to escape reality
And live in a world all your own.
Those days when your past is all that you can think about.
Those days when you just want to be in an endless slumber.
I only wish they would disappear.

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  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    It's funny when the world seems against you
    you always want a way out.
    How though you have no reason,

    ^ I think the above line would read better if it said "How even though..." because it really feels as though it is missing something and your flow feels just a little bit off here.

    A hole develops in your chest.
    An emptiness, < I like this line a lot and how you gave it more power by separating it from the previous or the following but have you considered it reading "The emptiness" instead, because an emptiness really doesn't feel like it does that line enough power or justice - especially with your potential.

    Like a void.
    And all you can think is
    "When will this end?" < Great job with the lifelike aspect here by using quotes.

    All you want is to escape reality
    And live in a world all your own. < all should be of

    Those days when your past is all that you can think about.
    Those days when you just want to be in an endless slumber.
    I only wish they would disappear.

    I really love the way you wrote the conclusion. Great job!