Comments : My Old Story

  • 9 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    DASHIEL, I love this. I will leave a better comment when I have time I promise. Nominated!

  • 9 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    No, I don't mind
    being greeted by Dandelions
    under your funeral wreaths
    as long as February
    will always live
    in my poetry.

    ^ This is such a personal first stanza here. Flowers show beauty no matter what they are. I do like the connection between the funeral and February as well. Because death has held such a cold feeling in our hearts I liked the metaphors you used as well. You are saying here I believe that if this person lives on in your poetry, you will never forget them.

    You are my Icarus.
    How precious it can be
    when the song I heard
    the moment you fell
    will tick away
    the times that have been frozen
    inside an obscure hourglass?

    ^ This stanza has a great mixture of imagery and metaphor. I love the Icarus line so much because it does leave the reader wondering how this person fell and why. We all want to freeze time as well but father time always wins. Also love the song line because anything can remind us of that one person we hold dearly.

    Quaint and dainty,
    your eyes are always storied.
    They are meant to be brown...
    and meant to be under the horizon
    of forgotten glances.

    ^ Eyes are always meant to be the story teller :). I do have a small suggestion here though. I think instead of saying "brown" you should say read, because in my opinion I think it would flow more with what you are trying to say in the poem and stanza altogether.

    You are the island of Crete
    when my heart is Greece...
    And when every dream
    is meant to be violet,
    you reap Lilacs while I'm asleep.

    This is such a beautiful ending dashiel. It seems like this person is still close to you in your life and distance is driving you apart. Overall this is a great story. 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by GB

    Hello,

    Glad to see this gem recognized by the judges, your beginning was more than captivating and introducing for the mesmerizing description in the middle of the piece.
    Flow, wording, structure and meaning. I liked everything in this poem from start to finish, a daydreaming, beautifully sad.
    Congratulations, very deserving.

  • 9 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    I love the imagery you left in each stanza and it makes the sadness run deep into the reader where he/she not only can see but feel...touch. A moving write.

    Congrats on the win!!

  • 9 years ago

    by WW

    Awesome! I read this in the poems newsletter. Fantastic job and congrats on the win!

  • 9 years ago

    by alka mendiratta

    Awesome write !!!!
    Congrats for the win.

  • 9 years ago

    by nobody09

    O_O

  • 9 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Judging Comment

    Whoa, this piece is stunning; the imagery was an excellent way of not only setting a scene but cluing us into the tone of the piece as well. There is a voice in this that is almost hauntingly sweet in the way it references the sorrows of Greek mythology, not just the highlights or stories that everyone's heard at least once in their life. The personification in the first stanza gives this piece a personal touch, a hint of mystery that the reader can never understand quite right, while allowing the rest of the piece to be universal in an overly inviting sort of way. It is enchanting - even if it is not a lighthearted kind of magical.

  • 9 years ago

    by Dancing Rivers

    A LOVELY MASTERPIECE

  • 8 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Judging Comment

    The beauty of flowers and mourning a loss as and always will be beauty and a sign of renewal for me, I was taken away by this poem!

    It's graceful flow and rhythmic style held me from start to finish! Lovely and elegant piece this week!!