Alive for the First Time

by Maren L Johnson   Nov 11, 2015


I have allowed hurt, fear and guilt to cripple me.

I have become socially awkward and I detest small talk.

I stutter most times even if you don't hear words and I over analyze and I second guess and I doubt and doubt then run away.

I have scars from moments gone far too far. I still have saliva on my neck from a man who never loved me; he used me to entertain his whims and cater to his proclivities.

Why did I get down on my knees for him?

Why did I let him talk down to me?

Why did I stay silent?

Why did I feel guilt for what I never did?

Why did I once again let another dictate my path?

Why did I let him in again and again?

Why can't I move without fear?

I am a slave to thoughts. I think but don't move.

My fear is heavy cement that keeps me in one spot on the sidewalk of life; afraid, ashamed yet lustful.

Disappointments have robbed me of my joy. The humdrum that is life has marred my heart, robbed it of blood and beating.

I have fallen into nonchalance and carelessness, profanity and despair.

I fight to be seen while hiding behind a mask.

I fight to be seen disguised in my lies trying to survive but you do not live unless truth abides.

I'm smiling while dying. Dancing while crying. Fooling the world that what you see is what exists. I have perfected the art of lying.

I long for freedom from me. I wear bruises around my wrists, sore to the look, I hide behind lies and writhe in pain, longing for release.

I long for release. I long for relief. I long for a time when I will not run. I long to live. I long to live. I long to live!!!

Let me out of her!!!

Press the bell to end this ride and take me with you.

Take me with you stranger.

Take hold of my fleeting heart and rip it out of my chest

I must die tonight.

Transplant life within me.

Stop this hurt in my soul.

Find me.

And when you find me bring her to the rocks and push her down the ravine

But leave me.

Naked. Shivering. But alive for the first time.

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Latest Comments

  • 9 years ago

    by Darren

    This reads like a slam poem to me, The tension and pain builds the more you read.
    To begin with I found the constant use of the 'I' off putting, however as I continued to read I found it helped with the pacing.
    It starts off fairly slow but moves to a more manic pace as the anger surfaces.
    Just as you think that anger has led to despair we see that it has actually led to enlightenment.

    I have re-read and I have to say that I am impressed with the portraying of emotion and raw power of this piece.
    The layout and repetition is nothing like I would have written, that is a good thing.
    You have opened my eyes to something different.
    There are some great nuggets of poetry embedded in this,

    such as

    I have fallen into nonchalance and carelessness, profanity and despair.

    and

    I fight to be seen disguised in my lies trying to survive but you do not live unless truth abides.

    love the rhythm of this line ^

    my favourite

    My fear is heavy cement that keeps me in one spot on the sidewalk of life;

    there is one nit though

    Let me out of her!!!

    I think her should be here

    (Unless you meant something different entirely ; - )

    Thanks for giving me something different to read, for that you have my nomination

    great job.

  • 9 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello,

    I know im a stranger, but i hear your words, your plea and even feel your pain.

    Breathe in the release of pain from sharing. Your words have been read and understood. Breathe in that knowledge.

    Take care.

    Michael

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