Comments : Etch the past

  • 9 years ago

    by hiraeth

    "Had I of known the banks were dry today,"

    ^ The 'of' seems out of place here.

    That said, definitely a heavy piece. Enjoyed reading it.

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Now that I've read over it again, I see what you mean. Thanks for pointing that out - I've fixed it now :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Em

    Wow Maher a very deep piece by you and although sad an enjoyable read indeed.

    Em

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Thanks again Em, I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Hellon

    You know I love your poetry..that's a given. Can I ask why you have a period at the end of each line in this one? Are you making short statements? I've checked your other stuff to see if it's just something you do in general and it's not so...?

    Anyway...the content of the poem to me is very sombre, like you've had time to think things through and still you don't fully understand the reason?

    Silver slivers salt this stream so strong.

    ^^^

    Loved this line in particular...loved the whole poem once again :)

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Thank you Hellon, I love your feedback because it's honest. You have this awesome knack of understanding the little details too! I will message you with the explanation :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Everlasting

    Where rivers flowed with willows...

    ^ so there was water, and towards the end, it went dry.

    I like the alliteration you used in some parts of your poem. Specially the line Hellon mentioned.

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Exactly right. Weeping Willows are sometimes symbolic of sadness, and paired with a river in this context, I intended it to portray the drying up of past tears. Everyone will interpret it differently, which is the best part.

      Thanks again for having a read of my work :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Britt

    This is really beautiful. There are so many literary devices in each stanza that it's overwhelming in the best way. I'm interested in your reasoning behind punctuation, why mostly it's a period and a few spots it's a comma? It kind of disrupted the flow for me if I tried to read how I was lead to, but eliminating the punctuation and reading on my own it created a difference. I feel like there's a point, so just curious :)

    Had I known the banks were dry today,
    I'd have summoned tears to drench the shore.

    That... that is beautiful. I also love your bits of alliteration riddled throughout. This poem is just something to sink my toes into.

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Firstly, thank you for reading my work. You should see the smile on my face because that part resonated with you. Your praise is much higher than me, but thank you for that also :)

      You're exactly right, the punctuation is intentional. In short, every line barring the last 2 lines in each 8-line stanza is just a thought without much certainty. The last 2 lines are more like facts that hold more certainty, so they're more fluent than the rest. Kind of like when you have a thought and then scrap it or not pay it much mind, but when a realization or truth comes along, suddenly you're able to see a bigger picture.

      If you like, I'll be more than happy to explain the whole thing via PM - it'll make more sense :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Liz

    Not sure how I missed reading this before. absolutely beautiful. Well-deserved win.

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Thank you, glad you enjoyed it :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Brenda

    Congratulations on your win, well deserving, beautiful write-

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Many thanks :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Darren

    Judges comment

    This poem intrigued me, as a piece of story telling it is immense. Very descriptive and metaphoric.
    Some really impressive lines scattered here and there.
    What caught my eye was the punctuation. It has a ton.
    You could remove all of it and the poem would read and flow beautifully.
    But that is not the point.
    It has to read choppy. It has to be an uncomfortable read, this works with the content.
    A brave choice and one I am scoring 10 points for.

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      Thank you Sir! :)

  • 9 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    I like this! How had i not seen this before today SC! L( Very Very good poem! :)

    • 9 years ago

      by Maher

      LOL thank you USB, glad ya liked it :)