Comments : "Real" News

  • 6 years ago

    by Em (marmite)

    Hi Hellon I like this piece and noticed (or so I think) you have edited it.
    the title here makes me believe that the news isn't really real as you've used speech bubbles around the word "real", it also makes me imagine you rolling your eyes and tutting when you read/hear about the news which is in fact not news at all if that makes any sense.
    Stanza 1 - I can now understand your title more and agree that finding out a 'star' has lost numerous lbs should definitely not be headlined but so often it is unfortunately.
    I like how you separate stanza 2 and 3 here with and as to me it's showing a contrast from the "real" news to the real news.
    Stanza 2 - I can only imagine that there was a huge spread of congratulations from his widespread fans. It makes me very sad to know that a tiny corner, probably with about 2 sentences written about it, was written about refugees that are starving especially as they have little control over that situation.
    Stanza 3 - this is a real kick in the gut especially the name when she doesn't have to dream anything because they have enough money to keep her comfortable and spend on stupid things basically whatever she wants in an instance whereas the refugees dream of all she has even just a slice of bread or warmth for the night.
    Stanza 4 - again this hits hard and as in my comment for the previous stanza dream doesn't have to dream just want whereas Ahmed only has 1 of 2 dreams..1 is food, 2 is warmth which is a real shame if the celebs could all give a little bit more none of us would have to live in poverty but unfortunately most think they work so hard for what they are given when in fact (my opinion) they don't, they don't know what real work is.

    I hope you can complete this though I do like it just as it is.

    Take care and thanks for this Hellon sheds alot of light sometimes I truly believe the government have something to do with the headlines we see daily but that's another story so they say. Xx

  • 6 years ago

    by Nee

    It perfectly works as a slam poem, Hellon!

    This really touched me. I was just reminded of this Egyptian girl who was beaten to death by 10 girls in Nottingham, UK, and the newspapers put the news in the 10th page. Imagine how the reaction would've been if the 10 girls were Arabs who beat a British girl. She was only 18. This is such a savage world we live in.

    I love your piece, dear. It's so simple in language and intense in meanings. Such poems don't need more than simple language to portray this image.

    You've always had poetry in you :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Ya----Na

    I feel like humanity is in progress. More people should start thinking like you.

  • 6 years ago

    by Sunshine

    I know I perhaps should wait for the work in progress to be finished before nominating or commenting, so that I won't sound as biased, but, for me...the poem has already reached its 1st final chapter in the below stanza:

    I turned to page three
    where a little corner
    yes, a tiny little corner
    told me about the refugees
    that are starving
    in this unfair world...


    This was cold and harsh to the heart.. You wrote them so simply and honestly that they made my heart shiver. I feel sad. How often do we disregard or forget that many people are suffering out there, sleeping in our comfy beds doesn't help us remember the suffering of those people, but then comes poems like this one...and wakes us up.

    Very touching, looking forward to the rest of it..or to read the coming parts.

  • 6 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Woah. I could totally see this as a slam poem and commentary on what's currently trending on news sites, of what it says about our world and how we like to be fed this "filler" news stories. It also makes me think of how quick we are to react when any tragedies befall Americans, yet we are hesitant (and would you say even complicit?) when it comes to others' suffering in a country that is not our own.

    Maybe that could touch on nationalism, people not wanting to put action behind words, our careful watch of celebrities and constant criticism of them over government or human rights issues, etc...

    Glad this was nominated though.

  • 6 years ago

    by Michael


    Just really think this is a great piece from you, that carries such sadness, that's all so true.

    Michael :)x

  • 6 years ago

    by Nee

    Yay, congrats love <3

  • 6 years ago

    by Domenico Sottile

    Wonderful point!!

  • 6 years ago

    by Ya----Na

    Well deserved win, my motivation


  • 6 years ago

    by naaz

    Congratulations hellon!

  • 5 years ago

    by Abed

    Judging comment:

    The approach of the poet in building up her idea is super smart. Hellon’s black sarcasm hits home in this piece. Her giving a relatively small stanza to Ahmed and his likes is a replica of the world’s shading his right of being in the headlines. Only a skilled writer can think of this methodology, and the poet here perfects it. My suggestions: omitting “yes” in line 9 and ending the poem with “can you imagine?” to stress the main theme which is about the world’s not daring to think of anything besides Kardashians’ utter nonsense. Oh, and *wink* I can’t wait to see the work done, for those rich lines are the nectar of a marvelous future slam poem.