Comments : Service Not Self

  • 1 year ago

    by Daniel

    I really don’t like rhyming couplets, it’s just a preference, but you have clearly practised to hone your craft. This did not feel forced. There is only one couplet I found disquieting:

    ‘The draft, the call, you never swerved...’

    It’s a bit awkward with the changing pronouns, and the final line being without rhyme just feels abrupt. ‘Swerve’ is just not a strong enough verb, and ‘club’ I feel devalues the image.

    ‘in vein’ should be ‘in vain’ unless you’ve used it as a homophone, in which case two homophones ‘fought’ and ‘thought’ in one line is a little too much, and doesn’t strike me clear as an image.

    ‘Thought in vain’ would be nicer!

    Aside from those things, it’s a strong poem, and a nice write. :)

    • 1 year ago

      by CJ Maleney

      Thank you for your words. You are correct vein is an error which I'll amend shortly in fact I thought I already had.

      "The club" is exactly what it is. Although it has a multitude of members it is still a rather exclusive club. There is a weird bond shared by service personnel, both veterans and those currently serving. Even if you have never served together or are even from a different nation. There is a kind of shared understanding that is difficult to put into words.

      With regard to rhymes, it's simply what I like doing. I've never felt the need to practice, improve or conform to a stereotypical idea of what a rhyme should be What ever random twaddle pops into my head usually endss up on here. Sometimes they will conform to a specific style and follow the meter but if they do them it is usually purely by chance. If I had to sit and really think about what I was doing I think I would lose the enjoyment.

      Because I write for the enjoyment of it, means I do so without the pressure of worrying whether it is good or bad. That on occasion others will like something I've written is rather humbling though.

      Regards

      Craig

  • 11 months ago

    by Golden AnGel Rhapsodist

    I like this piece of history....

    The flame that dances, was once your time
    That flame still burns, but it's now with mine
    You stood, lost and won, God knows you took the pain
    Your sacrifice
    Will never be thought in vain

    I think this stanza stood out

    Great piece

    Gel