I see you

I think I've been in about 8 relationships. 3 were serious, as in I wanted a family with them.
The first was Leah.
In highschool and after.
I did love her at one point.
The second was Tamara.
We knew each other in highschool.
I Believe that if I had stayed in Dulce, she and I would have been together.
She was way too smart for me.
The only time I could feel like an idiot without actually being one.
She left me saying that I wasn't interested in her.
She said she saw you and I together once and said she didn't think I could let you go to be with her.
I didn't know what she was talking about at the time.
My last was ____.
She was... Special to me.
We had a discussion, that had we met in different circumstances we could have had something great.
Of the 8, only two made me feel like I was important to them.
Leah and ____.
I'm telling you this because you told me to visualize the type of person I want to be with.
If I think of any of the qualities that made her special to me, I end up thinking of her.
I can't visualize wanting someone with those qualities, if that person is not the reason why I love those quirks.
Out of those.
None have tried to help me.
Protect me.
Defend me.
Only one person has done that.
And we had the discussion that we are more than friends.
We are family.
And so I help her.
I try to make her feel like she should be treated.
I feel comfortable around her.
And I wouldn't ask for more.
So no.
I don't want to visualize the traits I want. Because anytime I do, I see you.