Comments : the madness of an artist. [collab with Star]

  • 3 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    You two are on a roll!

    There were a few things I made a note about, but it's completely subjective and doesn't reflect on the overall work or theme.

    In the first stanza, I didn't think "chrysanthemums" needed that apostrophe and that a comma would work better than a semi-colon in the third line. Also, didn't see the need for the ellipses between the first and second stanza, as it still flowed and felt the same reading. But maybe that is a preference or your personal touch?

    "The way your dance-moves change
    with every thunder strike outside
    your window, leaves the world
    bewildered and still under
    storming skies."

    ^ Not that it's wrong, but could "dance-moves" just be "dance moves", then "heart-strings" becoming "heartstrings".

    The comma disrupted the flow of the poem for me for some reason, perhaps an extra comma could be placed after "change" and still keeping that one. Or even changing "leaves" to "leaving". Also, this could just be my way of reading it, but on first read, I definitely lumped "still" and "under", like it's currently under, still there, instead of what I think you mean of actually being "still": motionless.

    Just a rambling thought!

    Now, to my absolute FAVORITE parts!

    "the shattering of y/our peace."

    ^ Goosebumps here. That is so clever, and it made me think how we as poets do the same, arranging our sorrows, the way our life has scattered and broken us. We compose and create out of the chaos of our mind and heart. Out of ways our world interacts with others, through intimate moments or just passing day-to-day.

    The "slave to every whim" was very thought-provoking, because it seemed like the artist follows the muse, not always understanding how or why, but still chasing even the darkest moments, the deepest shadows.

    The ending was so satisfying. I think "infinity" could sometimes be conceived as a hopeless cycle, yet here, it almost comes across as a comfort. This descent into madness, but then ascending into brilliance, into a creation that causes fear as much as it does inspiration. There's no finality, there's no end. There will always be this rush of emotions, trying to ground one's self in sanity etc.

    Brilliant piece, you two. Going to read again soon!

    • 3 years ago

      by prasanna

      Thank you for the suggestions, and thank you for reading :)