Comments : The Phoenix

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    A few suggestions, but simply my opinion, it's still your poem :)

    Surrounded by trees in the shadowy place"
    - For some reason, I felt like "this" sounds and reads better than "the". Also, not sure about "shadowy", maybe "shadowed"?

    I wondered if you were wanting no punctuation, but I saw your comma in the third stanza and felt a few commas could be helpful. It didn't take me out of the poem technically, but for a better flow, maybe add some so it reads more natural - like first line and third line in the second stanza and second line in the third stanza for example.

    Last line: I believe "it's" should be "its", no apostrophe.

    Overall, I like this! It made me smile. I know the concept of the phoenix has been tackled before and inspired others in many poems but I've always resonated with it (especially since my first introduction to a phoenix was through Harry Potter). It really is an empowering piece, and I totally felt the atmosphere you created of the shadows in the forest and what they represented. Too often, we believe we are undeserving of peace and victory and all those things. Too often, we carry the burdens of shame and guilt when we deserve the freedom of a future.

    Beautiful, Lainie <3

    • 4 years ago

      by Lainie Reay

      Hey

      Thank you for your comment :)

      I really appreciate it, I struggle a lot with grammar and punctuation, I want to learn though but sometimes it does go over my head a bit. I agree with you that this and shadowed sound better I will try and add the comma's, I thought I hadn't done enough. I hope you read it again and let me know if they are in the right place. I'm over the moon you got the gist of the poem itself and how it was mean't :)

      I decided to keep Shadowy it seems to work better in my brain :) Thank you again :)

    • 4 years ago

      by Lainie Reay

      Hey

      Thank you for your comment :)

      I really appreciate it, I struggle a lot with grammar and punctuation, I want to learn though but sometimes it does go over my head a bit. I agree with you that this and shadowed sound better I will try and add the comma's, I thought I hadn't done enough. I hope you read it again and let me know if they are in the right place. I'm over the moon you got the gist of the poem itself and how it was mean't :)

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Yes, the changes work! It flows so smoothly. I also noticed on the second read that in the second stanza, last line, you have "and" written out instead of "&". That's just me looking though, I do like the "&" in a poem because it's something different and something I don't always see. I would say consistency though, choose to write "and" out or stick with the "&". Also, last line, "it's" should be without the apostrophe.

    I gotta say, since I rarely rhyme, it's really pleasant to come on here and see some pieces that rhyme with ease. I feel I always force it, but this feels natural so I'm glad I read this one and will read more of yours soon :)

    • 4 years ago

      by Lainie Reay

      Ah thank you. I didn't realise I'd done one as "and" but I have corrected it now and took the apostrophe out too. It's strange isn't as I seem to only write in rhyme, though I do just put my thoughts down sometimes but I don't share those.

    • 4 years ago

      by Lainie Reay

      Ah thank you. I didn't realise I'd done one as "and" but I have corrected it now and took the apostrophe out too. It's strange isn't as I seem to only write in rhyme, though I do just put my thoughts down sometimes but I don't share those.