Comments : Prey

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "munch bones and gulp them down" made me physically shiver. I liked that you expressed it in such a raw, uncomfortable, chilling way. It made the devastation of the ending lines, and that betrayal of trust, so much more impactful and gut-wrenching.

    Only thing was that I wasn't too sure of the "venom-dropping jaw", maybe "venomous" instead? Upon first read of it, it sounded a bit awkward but that could totally just be me ^_^

    This is a jarring, shocking piece, because you express such vulnerability, and when someone can shatter that fragility like that, without any regrets, it shows you how much of a monster they are.

    • 4 years ago

      by nouriguess

      Thank you, MarryAnne. I am not keen on "venom-dropping" either but wasn't sure what to write instead.

  • 4 years ago

    by RedRose

    I thought it was beautiful and i love the imagery as well as the feeling of helplessness yet being self aware of it just makes it more terrifying.

    If you are looking for a suggestion to your line 'venom-dropping jaw' - i suggest 'venom-tipped'. Just that one fewer syllable helps keep the pace of the work, in my opinion, but i don't think the work suffers all that much from your choice of words. It helps with the imagery but at the same time the rhythm and flow does lose it's bounce. Just my thought but overall; i love and favourite it.