Comments : Headspace

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Rania Moallem

    I wish I can nominate this at this moment, I hope it survives till Monday.

    I thought this was my favorite verse:

    I was there
    but there was no space
    for me;

    you were foreign.

    ^^
    but then you kept going deeper and deeper. One of my favorites by you. Amazing wording!

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Star

      Yay thank you ^_^

  • 3 weeks ago

    by hiraeth

    !!!!!

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Star

      O_O

  • 3 weeks ago

    by hiraeth

    "You were holding hands with fear,
    like she was a lover."

    This is such an amazing opening, you start the poem framing it with an intimate relationship with fear; showing that it's something common to them, something they've come to know really well.

    "Like you found
    comfort in the way she fixed
    her eyes on you."

    You build on it, what really stood out to me was the 'she fixes/her eyes on you', while there's a tinge of it sounding romantic, it also frames it as fear being a predator (which you later build on) but it's a really engaging and well written opening stanza.

    "Some nights I saw the monster
    right around the corner."

    This builds on building the fear into a monster; it's a strong visual that can resonate well with everyone, especiall with night being commonly associated with monsters.

    "You never closed your eyes
    not even flinch,
    your amygdala triggered
    no sorrow."

    I think 'not even flinch' -> should be 'not once flinching' since it flows a little bit better. The ending verses are really strong. The amygdala is heavily involved with experiencing emotions, and them not even feeling sorrow or any sort of discomfort when coming face to face with the monster is interesting.

    "No distress
    knew its way around
    your dim vessels."

    I like the idea of this stanza, but I think it can be reworked a little bit better maybe 'distress/never found its way/around your dim vessels' or something like that. The way its currently worded seems a bit off; the second and third verses seem apt had you said distress known its way, but since you're saying no distress knew it's way, you should focus on wording it like distress fumbled to find its way/getting lost or even saying your dim vessels never housed distress or something along those lines.

    "I was there
    but there was no space
    for me;

    you were foreign."

    This is easily my favouite stanza; you frame the person as something completely unknown to you, a foreign body but pairing it with the concept that the amygdala has no room for you, that they never experienced you, is just beautiful and striking.

    "This time
    I did not yield to the cold,
    I knew your thoughts
    don't belong
    to this place."

    What stood out to me was 'your thoughts' ties in with the concept of the person being a foriegn body that the body itself is trying to fight off, it's interesting and this stanza is well written.

    "The sun doesn’t rise here
    and with every silhouette
    passing me,
    shivers hold my body
    hostage."

    This can also be one of my favourite stanzas, it reads a bit forlorn and starts to wrap everything up neatly

    "But,

    your sky
    was always
    full of stars."

    This is a beautiful ending, it screams a bit of hesitation to me (the person noting their sky was full of star meaning they found some beauty in them, in spite of trying to ward them off). Seriously well-done, it's a bit of a change from your other poems and I've really enjoyed this. I will aim to beat Rania in nominating this on Monday :D

  • 3 weeks ago

    by M. Rene'

    The first stanza, oh that cut me. Fantastic piece, thank you for sharing. Maybe when I get back in the rhythm of things here, I'll come back with a proper comment.

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Star

      Thank You ^_^