standing alone by the river

by Bobby M.Peter   May 19, 2020


When standing alone by river in this evening,
i remember you-
for your heart is clear
like this flowing river,
i like always.

when back to my house
before the birds gone,
i think you-
are listening to
flow of my love,
How far had been you.

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  • 3 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This poem was simple and calming. I do have a few suggestions, more so about the flow.

    The "i like always" at the end of the first stanza confused me, as I wasn't sure if you were referring to the river you frequent? I didn't find the line necessary. I thought the simile could work "for your heart is clear like this flowing river", but since you're already mentioning the river, it seemed like an obvious mention.

    Second stanza:
    "when back to my house
    before the birds gone,"

    - Could this be re-worded or phrased differently? The position of the words seemed awkward.
    Something like "when traveling back to my house / before the birds are gone". I felt like you needed a few more words.

    I liked the "I think you are listening to the flow of my love", as I was not expecting that, and thought it would read "I think of you". I don't think you need the dash after "I think you", as it stopped the flow for me.

    Last line: Maybe it's my understanding, but do you mean to comment on the distance, and if so, perhaps wording it for more impact. The "had been you" felt unfinished. "How far, yet close, you turned out to be" or something regarding the distance yet mentioning the proximity and connection through this river, through their memory. "You had been so far" instead of your phrasing.

    I hope it was alright to leave my suggestions. Please keep writing and sharing with us, Bobby! And welcome to PnQ.