Someone asked me the other day what I would say to you if you ever reached out to me;
I didn’t have an answer.
I don’t know-
Because I have a million things I could say to you but I wouldn’t even know where to start.
Do I start with how much you hurt me?
Do I start with how much I hated you for the longest time;
Or how I sometimes fight sleep because you have a tendency to chase me in my dreams as I try to get away from you and your memories?
Or do I start with how I have invisible scars all through my body because of you?
How I have three more years before my cells destroy themselves and you’ll have never touched me?
I always did love science.
I’ve written you a million letters;
Ripped them up and threw them out.
Nothing gets rid of the feeling I get from having been with you for three years.
Do I start with how I question everybody’s intentions-
Or how my anxiety has gotten worse since you left four years ago and I read too much into everything?
Do I start with how it’s affected every aspect of my life socially, emotionally, friendships, relationships, all of it?
Do I start with how I love a controlling trait but hate feeling controlled because of what you put me through?
Taylor Swift has come out with dozens of songs since you left I could give you to listen to for you to know exactly how you’ve affected me.
But I need my own voice;
And you never gave me one.
I’ve never been able to have one with you.
Maybe that’s why I get so angry when I’m interrupted or so upset when I try to tell someone how you hurt me and they don’t listen.
You never did either.
If you reached out to me;
You wouldn’t want to hear what I would have to say.