Comments : Clouded

  • 1 year ago

    by prasanna

    Nominated! Will be back to leave a proper comment!

  • 1 year ago

    by prasanna

    "I wake up
    the weight of the day heavy
    like unkneaded dough
    I want to punch,
    forcing my way through
    the dense stickiness
    of this morning."

    The concept of unkneaded dough works so well; I love the imagery of kneading dough in poetry, it's something so simple yet so impactful. Working through problems until they're solved, wanting to punch it down is an unabashed way of voicing your frustration. The stickiness relates back to the dough, and possibly the weather (humidity/fog).

    "It gums up between my
    thoughts,
    refusing to rise."

    This ties in nicely with what you said earlier - 'the weight of the day', unable to rise because of the weight.

    "I spit, washing the taste
    of mint from my mouth
    and wonder,
    half-longingly,
    if there is hope waiting
    on the horizon.
    I cannot see it
    for the fog."

    I think this just might be my favourite part of the poem - it captures that split moment between morning haze where you're just acutely aware of that existential dread and facing the day, before you're forced to resign to whatever routine you have. It's just so raw, it's almost as if you're able to peer through a mirror and have it not reflect back.

    Anyway I just wanted to highlight some things that I really enjoyed about this piece. Well-written as always!

  • 1 year ago

    by Milly Hayward

    The metaphor of dough is excellent for conveying that stodgy early morning waking feeling. Spitting mint signifies the abrupt transition from stodgy to the beginning of the day with its usual concerns. A well captured moment. Milly x

  • 1 year ago

    by Star

    I also love the metaphor of dough here. You gave us a familiar thing (your dough metaphor), and made use understand the emotion that went into it very well.
    I really like this!